Overcoming the fear.

A late one tonight folks however I can’t sleep, the adrenaline is still pumping because today has been a day in which I have tested my own patience.

Yesterday I was chilling supping a couple of glasses of wine in the evening sun before getting up early today to get ready for a vintage fashion show.

Anyone that knows me is well aware that although anything girly excites me there is that feeling of anxiousness flowing through you when you know you are coming out of your comfort zone and carrying out a task you rarely do. For those who have read my blog from the beginning are aware of the last fashion show I completed; it was well over two years ago.

The feeling of withdrawal in scenarios such as these enters your head, the worry of falling over, ensuring that you’re in position but in my case it’s the questions of will I start shaking, convulsing or will the lights trigger any headaches?

I don’t suffer from photosensitive Epilepsy and only a small proportion do. I think it’s a requirement when you have strobe lights or any form of bright lighting in any performance that this is displayed for the public to see. Failure to do so can not only be a hazard but something that can be rather frightening for the individual along with the people nearby.

I have known shows (not this one, this was a show I went to when I was younger) to “forget” to include these signs on the entrance only to result in at least one person having a seizure part way though. This isn’t on!

Fortunately there were first aiders to hand to assist the patient and the place got a right bollocking days after. I would urge in performances such as these that you choose to attend to possibly question a receptionist about the use of lighting or someone managing the show to ensure that you’re health isn’t at risk. Most important.

Before I give you a review of today’s events I best do my usual and include a quote:

“I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter”- Walt Disney

And life is rather complex. Sometimes we are thrown into situations that are diverse. We are thrown into situations that we find quite daunting and can cause an adverse effect on our lives. Having Epilepsy was that way with me. I like to think that I’m a relatively organised person however when you have a condition as complex as this unfortunately that organisational Saz who likes to know everything two weeks in advance has to accept the inevitable when it happens.

Shakes, seizures, episodes, fits whatever you want to call them is something that can spring up on me in an instant and something that pops into my mind a lot less frequently as it once did.

Although I’m urged by others to pat myself on the back for remaining optimistic I have identified through forums, blogs and discussions with others that although they live their life their condition will always be submerged into their subconscious and the fear of having a seizure can be quite disappointing. It’s like all your hard work has gone out the window.

When something like this occurs what we should be noticing is how far we’ve come since we were diagnosed and what we’re learning about our condition on a daily basis.

No we don’t particularly like the condition we suffer from however instead of looking at how bad the episode was look at how long you went since the last seizure. Instead of thinking what if, think I can. It’s about knowing that although you will have your moments that you can live a relatively normal life (health permitting) on the basis that you remain optimistic.

My husband is what I’d call the eternal pessimist. Me I’m the other way round. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments however when you’ve had a condition for three quarters of your life there’s only one way to be.

Being pessimistic would result in me never leaving the house out of fear that I’d have a seizure, being pessimistic would take me to the dark place I once was in my late teens and would force me to start questioning myself again. Instead of taking one step forward I’d feel like I was taking about 10 steps back. That’s not the way to be. If my grandfather knew I was doing that he’d give me a good talking to.

I appreciate that everyone’s different. People may read this blog and think “She doesn’t know what I’m going through” and dismiss my thoughts. To a degree I’d agree with you. What I do know however is that Epilepsy (as complex as it is) is a condition that unites us all. Epilepsy is something that can make us feel low and can make us question our ability.

Epilepsy can make us think that we may never find the right medication to suit our bodies and in doing so can make us vulnerable and negative. Again this is not the way to be.

Trust me after 20 years of questioning myself I now know that life is for living, it’s about grasping the simple things in life and knowing that the more times you get up the stronger you’re becoming. Never look at falling as being a failure, look at it as a learning experience and never frown at yourself as being in the wrong when you’ve had an episode. It’s not your fault it’s just your body’s way of telling you that you need to rest.

On the topic of questioning myself the fashion show today brought it home to me that stepping outside of that comfort zone won’t kill me. I was informed by my relative that I would have to wear a pink wig.

Now I’m going to be honest here and say that I have never worn a wig.. actually I lie the only wig I’ve worn is a manky auburn wig found in the drama cupboard at my secondary school for my performance of Annie. Stepping out as Annie when I was 12 was something that made me want to cry from beginning to end because I was never one to act. I was always the one who would stand in the corner and narrate. After a shit load of worry being Annie I felt was the making of me. It made me see that I could push myself, more than I could have ever imagined.

Like the auburn wig I wasn’t overly struck on the pink however all of a sudden I started stepping into character wearing vintage clothing, feeling great and oozing confidence. The only problem I had was the fear that I would muck it up and not get my clothes on in time. How wrong was I?

After wolfing down a sausage sandwich and a cup of coffee I was ready. Makeup on donning a pink wig and a black dress. – To see that picture see either twitter or Facebook timeline (Facebook registered under Sazzle’s blog)

I was flashing my pasty legs and hoping that I didn’t fall over my Syjoe bob feet to get me to the end. A vintage band were playing in the background and I was walking through the crowds nervous and excited all in one. Mid way through the performance nervous Saz was starting to diminish and the adrenaline was pumping. For once I forgot about having Epilepsy, was overcoming the fear and you know what? I felt great.

Whilst walking all I could hear was my granddads voice in my head shouting “Go on treasure” and that’s what kept me going.

I wanted to do him proud along with myself. I knew his spirit was in the room and that he was watching. That made me smile… that and my dad recording me from my stepmam’s phone.

Once it was all over my body sighed and was relieved, not relieved that it was over but relieved that I had achieved another goal. I could have refused doing the fashion show however knew that I’d be anxious all day kicking myself in the arse for not doing it. One to me, Nil to anxiety.

With regards to the healthy eating that went out of the window thanks to my sausage sandwich however I did have a healthy chicken dinner and will be exercising as normal tomorrow. I’ve prepared my meals that DON’T consist of sweet treats and are really going to get on the bandwagon.. properly.

Exercise wasn’t completed today as I was running around like a banshee trying to get prepared. If you include nervous dancing as exercise then I probably got my half an hour in. I attempted to do squats today however that fell by the waist side after ten. Oh dear.

To conclude today’s post. Overcoming the fear is something that scares the majority of people. With me not accomplishing my goals and overcoming my fears would leave me feeling disheartened and I refuse to feel that way anymore therefore I try and if I fall, then I fall. At least I can say that I’ve given a damn good go.

No one should push you nor should they force you to do something you don’t want to however if you feel like by taking that next step will help you then give it a go. What’s the worst that can happen? You’ll fall over, you’ll not get it right first time? So.. you try again. Remember nothing is too great unless you put obstacles in the way. Do what’s right for you.

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4 thoughts on “Overcoming the fear.

  1. You’re absolutely right when you said “It’s like all your hard work has gone out the window.” I know, as someone living with drug resistant epilepsy, this is EXACTLY how I feel when I start to recover from a seizure.

    • Thank you for commenting ELSL.

      I had to write this feeling because I think a significant amount of people have similar feelings.

      I’m trying to write the experiences I have and want to know if others have something similar. All I want to do is help others and promote epilepsy awareness through my own experiences.

  2. I’m new to word press and today was the first time I searched for blogs about living with epilepsy. I was happy to find your blog–it’s always comforting to know someone out there feels the same way, because let’s face it seizures are really hard for people to understand if they haven’t lived with them. Although the theme of my new blog doesn’t center around living with epilepsy, it will definitely feature pretty heavily if you want to take a look: http://www.underthishill.wordpress.com. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

    • Hiya ELSL.

      Have started following your blog and had a read. Very good my friend. It is extremely difficult at times coming to terms with seizures however it is comforting to know we all have similarities and can help one another.

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