I can’t help myself.

Hiya everyone a quick blog post from me tonight.

Tonight’s post is all about seeking your opinion as the reader and seeing whether you are all similar to the way I am. I’m writing this with a stonking headache and knowing that deep down I should jack in the exercise and overthinking because I’m physically shattered however there is this part of my mind that for whatever reason won’t let go.

Earlier I said I wouldn’t blog because I was going to lie down however I just cannot rest. My minds working overtime and for no reason whatsoever.

I’m feeling groggy, picking fault with myself, not eating the chocolate however thinking my hips look larger than normal. Overall this evening has been a bit of a right off. The only good thing to come from it was the clothes I’ve been eying up in my look magazine that I can hint at the parents for my birthday next week.

This evening’s behaviour is what I’d like to call the obsessive Saz. The Saz who offers advice as to love yourself however has days where she cannot help herself, where she nit picks at herself and who cannot just take those baby steps to achieve the little things. She has to pile the pressure on to the point where she doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going. Do you all get that feeling?

When I was diagnosed with Epilepsy I felt at the tender age of 8 of having to prove to everyone that I could do it. Do what exactly? Deep down I didn’t know what. All I knew was that I had to supersede my own expectations and do it the only way I knew how… to pile the pressure on myself to the point where I’d wanna let off steam then feel shit afterwards because I looked like a complete tool ranting and raving for no reason whatsoever.

Tonight I sought advice from my other half about this issue and asked how I could help myself. Today has been a day of returning back to work after a long weekend, getting my head down and going through the motions. Towards the end of the day my head was in the clouds and I was panicking at the fact that we had to travel to the vets nearby to get the cat’s neck checked out. Our Benny’s neck appears to have a slight infection as a result of an old cat wound. It’s not effecting him however we know it’s there and has no signs of fading.

The appointment was booked. Within minutes of finding out the panic crept in. Whizzing round my head was how are we going to get the cat into his travel case and will he be crying the whole way there? How much is this going to set me back (£49 to be precise for a week’s worth of antibiotics) and how am I going to react. Not long after thinking this I then started questioning when I was going to get my exercise in, what we were going to have for dinner and whether I’d have sufficient time to write my blog.

What the fuck was the matter with me? What’s with all the panic? I couldn’t see straight and I was freaking out. What the bloody hell for?

Before I knew it I burst into tears and couldn’t comprehend why. Do any of you feel the same as me in times like this?

Initially I started getting deja vu on the wardrobe malfunction last month however realised that I had come a long way since then and should have seen sense.

After sitting with my other half, grabbing a cuppa and having a good talking to I started to see that all this wasn’t worth it. I was told to read through my own previous posts and words of encouragement and to see that taking baby steps will ensure that your daily goals are met without the worry of not achieving them. To give myself that time to relax will enable me to progress and to realise that Rome wasn’t build in a day will too give me the strength to continue.

For as long as I remember I have had flutters of panic. I can sit here and blame my anti-epileptic drugs however know that it’s not entirely their fault. Maybe it’s just years of second guessing has worn me out. Who knows? All I know now is that I cannot put my lap top down and stop writing. I need to get these thoughts of my chest and release the tension.

At times like these there are the slight moments of insecurity where I build a picture that hasn’t even formed yet. All I see is an outline and are straining to find the colour to finish it off.

Instead of counting my blessings I run before I can walk and add things up. What turned into something trivial turns into a tirade of concern. To think I was thinking about the vets. Before I knew it my life was banged to rights.

A couple of questions for you.

Do any of you know the reason why our minds behave in this fashion and if so why? Do you set yourself reminders and stick to them or do you feel that your day takes a different turn?

“Part of the happiness of life is not fighting battles but in avoiding them”- Norman Peale.

And I’m thinking. I’m thinking long and hard about that quote and are thinking that like others I’ve fought a battle all my life. A battle with myself that I’m sick and tired of doing. Confrontation at times is necessary, motivation drives you on and achieving those goals can be recognised however at what cost? I think you have to have a happy medium. None should be more important than another.

To conclude today’s post.

Following this evening’s questioning is that breaking routine is hard but crucial at times. Sod the pattern just do your best and that’s what I intend to do. Instead of putting all your eggs into one basket and worrying about falling over and breaking them all set yourself mini goals such as just walking the dog or coming home from work and JUST doing your exercise regime.Leave the remaining tasks for the following day.

In relation to the remaining tasks. Are they going anywhere? No they aren’t therefore why worry?

By changing this pattern can leave you feeling happy and not worthless inside. Maybe it’s about time I took my own advice and the advice from others. Maybe it’s about time I stopped acting stubborn and listened for a change, maybe then I may be able to help myself because I’m not that bad after all.


2 thoughts on “I can’t help myself.

  1. I think it’s so easy for our brains to become overloaded. When you break it down it seems so simple- go to the vets, get dinner, work out if going to the vets is going to bankrupt you… But if you try to hold all of those things in your head at once then something has to give somewhere.

    I write tons of lists because I too will obsess, unless I write it down. Then I might start panicking a little bit wondering if I’ve forgotten to do something but it’s always there written down just in case. 9 times out of 10 I don’t look at the list again, it’s just useful to have it there.

    Hope this makes sense and I hope getting everything out on your blog helped! When I’ve had problems (especially with the other half!) I’ve ended up blogging about it but deleting it later. Just the act of getting it all out there really helps! x

    • Thanks for the words of advice love.

      Sometimes things do mount up and I know it gets me down. I have started writing the post its and making a plan thanks to your advice. Sometimes we just need to keep going don’t we? Onwards and upwards!! 🙂

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