Can we really love ourselves or will we always pick fault?

Get in! The sun’s out and I’m jumping around like a mad woman!

After yesterday’s weather catastrophe I thought today would bring the same elements rain, wind and hair as flat as a witches tit. For those who live in the UK know that the weather is so temperamental. One minute it’s glorious sunshine then before you know it torrential rain’s hit, the wind has got up to full force and you’re pushed along the street trying not to look embarrassed because you’re brolly’s blown inside out. Nightmare.

Anyhow I’m not going to whinge I’m going to enjoy the weather we currently have (the weather forecast is looking good for tomorrow too) and try not to rule out the fact that this could be our summer. Let’s hope not. I remain optimistic.

On the topic of being optimistic I thought I would throw in a quote that women in particular may associate with more because as women we do have a tendency to maybe pick fault with ourselves more than usual. In our defence it’s a woman’s prerogative perhaps to do so. Read below and you’ll understand where I’m coming from.

“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first and everything else falls in line”- Lucille Ball.

The quote I’ve written above is something that makes me question myself and where I stand in today’s society. In fact it makes sense.

I’ve mentioned before in a previous post that perfection is something that drives people on or drives them insane. Heaven knows who created this pathway to destruction however I personally feel that the emphasis to look perfect, act perfect, behave accordingly and fit in with the crowd is stronger now than it ever has been.

Having the latest clothing trends was the in thing nowadays the anti has been upped so god help the youngsters of the future when they reach my age because I can feel a proportion of that pressure now.

With me I was relatively fortunate to not have weight issues. I expected that my weight would increase when I was prescribed anti epileptic drugs however knew as this could be a side effect in my life that I would have to eat relatively healthy (bar the chocolate) and exercise regularly. My metabolism was through the roof and as you can well imagine I couldn’t relax. I was like a yo-yo. Up and down. This too could have contributed towards me maintaining a normal weight.

What I’m trying to explain here is that for someone without a disability the pressure is immense. For someone that has it’s like a double ended sword. People have looked at me in the past and thought

“She’s a bubbly girl, attractive, no weight issues, well dressed etc. etc.”

I’m not bragging just repeating what they say.. 🙂

Although I appreciate the compliments deep down people don’t appreciate that although to them I may be all of the above I do have confidence issues and I do suffer inside with a condition that I have felt can make or break me within a couple of minutes.

This is the thing with people. What they see on the outside is not necessarily what we are on the inside. I have ran through numerous tweets over the course of the past few days and can see that social stigma surrounding individuals who suffer from Epilepsy is still happening. What disappointed me more was that recently a tweet came through in which a large percentage of adults would not date someone with Epilepsy.

I was angered by this tweet and was repulsed at the fact that someone could look at another, fall for them, enjoy spending time with them however within a heartbeat they could crush that individual all because they had Epilepsy. Pardon my French here but what the fucks the matter with the world?

A couple of questions I’d like to ask you all.

Do people really think that we ask for this condition? Are people so shallow that they have to categorise us because of a condition we cannot control? Do we not deserve happiness or is that solely for the beautiful people out there who cannot string a sentence together that look good in a pair of skinny jeans?

Honestly can someone please explain why we are any different from the masses out there. We have a condition, something that affects our brain activity not our emotional connection with someone else.

When relationships became a factor in my life I would become distressed at the fact that I could be rejected because of my Epilepsy. To put your life in someone else’s hands freaks them out. The majority understand you however you will get a minority who cannot cope with responsibility let alone being responsible for someone having a seizure.

For the people that love you for who you are will always be there. They will be the first ones you see when you come out of your seizure and they will be the first ones to offer support when needed. These are the people that matter. As for the remainder they can just bugger off as far as I’m concerned. They aren’t worth your tears. They’ll never understand you therefore leave it at that and let them get on with their own lives.

I have chosen an example there something that’s close to me however the same rules apply with everyone out there.

Whether you have family problems, weight issues or anxiousness in your life there will always be that social stigma something we must all break free from. At the end of the day loving yourself for you and understanding that you do have faults isn’t a bad thing. It’s when those faults dominate you’re life that’s when the real problems occur.

A few months ago I spoke with a lady who informed me that accepting yourself in the skin you’re in is vital because by not applying this method can result in a multitude of problems. If you don’t accept your condition there will always be that niggle in the back of your mind wondering what if. By not loving yourself will result in your glass being half empty. It’s like chasing a dream that you haven’t dreamt yet. I was in that place once and it wasn’t nice at all.

With me my issues were my condition.. and my hips. I was no medical genius nor was I any Shakira however I felt nervous all of the time waiting for something that never actually happened. I’d wait for the seizure that fortunately 4 and a half years on has not hit me yet and long may that continue. I have however come to terms with my shakes.. my hips on the other hand I’m working on.

To this day the shakes overwhelm me however I refuse to keep hitting that brick wall.

Instead of trying to break through it or dodge it I just walk round the outside and allow my body to do what it needs to release the pressure inside of me. Once done I’m tired however I’m still standing jiggly legs but still standing. As time goes on I’m trying to embrace change and learn that my shakes are something that’s a part of me. I never asked for them however they’re there and I have to accept that.

When it comes to making decisions should we dodge them or should we those decisions and realise that that was the best decision made at the time? Only you can answer that.

On a lighter note my conclusion has been drawn about the Woman in Black. I think I brought the scaremongering on myself because the performance wasn’t too bad. I’d give it a 6 out of 10. The performance was good however again I think I hyped it up in my own head before going. If you like dark eerie performances then I’d recommend it, if not then stay clear and just the DVD instead because it’s cheaper. No poo pads were required.

Today has been a day spent with family on both sides. It’s my husbands birthday tomorrow and we intend to celebrate by taking a trip to the beach before returning home to paint the garden fence. I have told my husband that he can choose what he wants to do to celebrate his day and this is all he can come up with! For Pete’s sake painting a garden fence on your birthday? I’d rather watch paint dry.. literally. If he thinks I’m doing that on mine he’s sadly mistaken.

Today the in laws, my husband and I went to a pub nearby to celebrate. I ate healthy up until about 12.30pm when I opted for a steak and ale pie with vegetables. The pie crust was more crispy than doughy and the vegetables were steamed to perfection.

That choice was ok.. (I’m in denial saying that the pie was calorific) however I did share a slice of chocolate fudge cake and custard with my husband. I’m not going to lie and say I was forced into it because it was his birthday.. I ate half of it and say that while putting my hands over my face. It was bloody lovely however I felt so guilty afterwards.

Can I ask you all to advise me of something? Can you please tell me how I can stop my brain from wanting tempting treats? Is there anything you all do to put you off?

I’ve asked this numerous times however get to half way through the day and have that little treat. I know it’s only small however I feel like I’m not dedicating myself fully. The exercise is getting done however the food on the other hand isn’t at the stage I want it to be. Any ideas?

To conclude today’s post. Don’t think outside the box, think like there is no box. Appreciate you for you. If you have a dilemma approach it, review it and then make a decision.

Don’t beat yourself up because it isn’t good for you. Make the most of who you are and what you represent. Quick fixes don’t resolve issues, they are just quick fixes.

If you’re worried about something then sit down, talk to someone and once that issue has been resolved then wipe the slate clean and move on. When it comes to my Epilepsy I know that by looking at it in the right way has given me the power to understand it more and I would advise you all do the same. Keep calm, love yourself and stop picking fault.


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