Good afternoon folks. I’m off work and am overjoyed because I can officially get the odds and sods complete before I venture into town tonight to see The Woman in Black with my other half. The only downer is the weather.
Is it me or has the temperature plummeted in 48 hours? It feels like winter. The heater’s on and I’m sitting here in my onesie. Trust me it isn’t a nice site… even the cat’s dubious.
The sun isn’t out, it’s blowing a gale and watching the rain is making me wonder whether we will ever get a few glorious days?
The theatrical performance I’m going to see later has got mixed reviews and has been running for over twenty years on the West End. For those who keep themselves updated with Sazzle’s blog will be well aware that I’m shitting myself and are hoping that this evening’s performance won’t give me nightmares. I’ve got my loo roll ready in the event of an accident happening.. Not that I think it will.
People have asked me which has freaked me out the most Woman in Black or The Evil dead. Woman in black for sure. That film starring Daniel Radcliffe had me gripped from beginning to end. The eeriness of his performance made me wanting more however scared me immensely. For crying out loud it was a bloody 12A and here you have it a 27 year old woman hiding behind a pillow and finding any old excuse to go and make a cuppa. God help me tonight. Wish me luck.
On the topic of frightening instances I’ve noticed that people usually run away from their fears when in fact by staring your fear in the face will allow you to see how strong you really are. The saying is in the title, by accepting the truth it will set you free.
This statement tallies in relatively well with today’s quote.
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off”- Eric Butterworth
How many times have I taken to my blog or to twitter and got myself all frustrated with life? Umpteen times however in the back of my mind I have a possible solution, something I feel that I need to pursue in order for me to carry on. Let’s give you an example.
My chocolate habit is the first thing that’s came to mind. How do I resolve the sugar slump mid afternoon? Eat healthier snacks that have reduced sugar content. On the other hand when it comes to my anger it’s the knowing you’re in the wrong, taking that step back and analysing where you’ve gone wrong and moving on from it.
What is it with problems eh? Of course they’re going to piss you off however one the steam has been released and you’ve calmed down they you realise that a problem is only a problem if you allow it to effect you.
Nine times out of ten with me it’s my fear of change. It’s the fear of incorporating a new regime into my life such as a new breathing technique to help my anxiety or a potential reduction in my medication. All of these elements can be a risk to your health. Why? Because you’re subdued and the problem you’re facing is outside your comfort zone thus forcing you to run away.
Growing up I ran away from my condition and did so for over 15 years making excuses, acknowledging my condition, wanting to help myself however knew there’s was something holding me back.
The worries of waking up with Epilepsy was on my mind from the moment I woke up till last thing at night. Let’s say it wasn’t a happy experience.
In fact on some occasions I didn’t want to go on. I wanted to live but I just wanted to give up, stop taking me meds and say to hell with the world. I felt like I was standing in the centre of a large hall with my feet glued to the ground.
Everyone and everything around me was passing me by however my feet remained stuck. I was shouting, people could hear and wanted to know however until I accepted my problem then it was me who couldn’t move forward. Instead of saying that others didn’t understand what I should have been saying is that I don’t understand. It’s not their fault.
There has always been this desire inside of me to challenge my Epilepsy however always felt that when confrontation came that the words would come out wrong and I’d lose focus.
Going to hospital appointments would infuriate me particularly when previous neurologists gave the impression that they didn’t give a damn leaving me to ask for my own MRI scans and EEG’s. I didn’t want to be a statistic I wanted someone to acknowledge that I had a condition and that they would jump through hoops for me giving me what I needed to understand my condition more.
A couple of questions for you? Have you ever worried about how you’re being perceived? Have you ever felt so passionate about something that you will drop everything to get it sorted or have you ever felt like people are misinterpreting your problems as wanting attention? I know I have.
Before I got married I made the mistake of telling people I didn’t know about my insecurities. These people weren’t my family, friends of close work colleagues. They were random people who I’d only been out with once.
After divulging my worries onto them my mind felt weightless however I had this sunken feeling that I’d made a mistake. They didn’t know me so why was I telling them these things?
The way I was made to feel after that lengthy conversation made me wonder. What had come over me to release my personal thoughts onto a stranger? Maybe it was because I had a couple of beers and thought the people I was surrounded around by could be potential acquaintances. They weren’t, they were people who would end up make me feel like shit to make their lives look that little brighter.
One thing I appreciate now is that when it comes to problems it’s all being well to share on the proviso that you can cope with being scrutinised without feeling uncomfortable. You should be allowed to stand up for yourself.
What you need to understand is that everyone’s entitled to their opinion and that’s fine however if you’re a person who cannot cope with criticism/difference of opinion then you’re best discussing your issues with the people closest to you. Either that or go to see a therapist, someone who isn’t a part of your circle who is prepared to give you the tools to allow yourself to see that you are entitled to that second chance.
On a lighter note let’s talk about yesterday’s events.
Work, work and more work, that and popping for a bite to eat at our local pub. I remained healthy and had fish with vegetables. Unfortunately a galaxy came from out of my handbag yesterday however that was the only treat of the day. The remainder was taken up with a low fat vegetable lasagne and a bowl of cereal.
Water was glugged throughout the day and coffee drank to keep me awake. What I’ve identified about water is that the supposed myth of “making you perkier, giving you a brighter skin and allowing you to feel fuller for longer” is actually true. To me drinking water was like eating garden peas. It was bland, boring and tasted of nothing. Nowadays I’m partial to garden peas and try my best to keep them on my fork and not on the table. Unfortunately that’s quite hard when you suffer from shakes.
It’s funny though because you always get that one person who” say “Have you had a pea on the table” I know I say that quite sarcastically however the more I’m typing the more I cannot help but laugh.
Yesterday I upped my game and went onto level two of Jillian Michaels 30 day shred DVD. Two words. My word. If I crossed that woman on the street I wouldn’t know whether to cuddle her or knock her out for the pain she’s putting my body under. She’s pushing me like no other trainer has and is making me question why I haven’t pushed myself sooner.
My body is gradually changing and it’s all thanks to her. Mind you on day three I was ready to jump through that TV with a bat and run after her with it because I was so sore. It’s got to the point where I’m impulse shouting with a combination of positive remarks and profanities such as “I can do it, along with fuck off, I need some water and you bitch” but never mind. If you haven’t got it then please get it. For those who already have it can you sympathise with me and is your body changing?
Apart from work, eating and exercise nothing else is happening. I’ve had errands to do this morning and are preparing myself for this evening’s performance. Quite boring really.
To conclude today’s post. As corny as this sounds allow the truth to set you free and set you apart from the others who cannot accept themselves. So you have an insecurity? So what.. does that make you any less of a person? Of course it doesn’t.
Why is it that people home in on the negatives and not the positives? My personal opinion is that they do so to distract themselves from their own problems and the not wanting to enjoy their lives. Do you really think their lives are perfect? I doubt it.
When it comes to Epilepsy facing up to the fact that you have it is extremely important.
Our condition at times will make us feel down however there’s always light at the end of the tunnel even if it shines for a couple of days at least you know it’s there. Remember accepting the truth allows you to move forward. Not accepting it means that you’re not giving yourself that chance and that’s wrong. Problems will upset you however it’s the bouncing back that will make you stand out from the crowd. Bare that in mind.