Open your eyes.

“Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you’re living?”- Bob Marley.

That quote pretty much summarises this evening’s post before I’ve even thought of what I’m going to write next. When Bob Marley sang you could feel every word he was saying and were whisked away into a tranquil place where only his voice would emerge.

This morning I woke up eager to start the day even though I had been kept awake all bloody night by some random blackbird chuntering away on my garden fence. This blackbird is one who returns every summer bounces from my fence to the garage overlooking the back garden and makes her feelings known by squawking all day. She squawks from about 11pm to 6am in the morning prattling on about nothing. Gosh she sounds like me most days wittering on.

Her chirp has the same pitch and length making me think that she’s talking about the same thing. I wish she was a human so she could tell me what the problem is and do one however I’m all for nature therefore will let her have her say.

I’m a great lover of animals however when you’re only getting three hours sleep because some blackbird wants to chat in the middle of the night then we’ve got serious problems, either that or she’s telling me to piss off because there’s a new nest in the tree. My husband and I are going berserk due to our lack of sleep we’re getting and the cat even more so because she dive bombs him everytime he gets near to the fence.

Paranoia a side effect of my medication that I’m in the process of overcoming however it’s safe to say this bird doesn’t like me very much… I’ve drawn that conclusion why? Because she craps all over my washing that’s why. Keeping me awake is one thing however shitting on my washing is another particularly when I purchased a new white vest top from Zara last week and only worn it once.

Overall it’s pandemonium in our household. All over a bird.

Today has been a day where I literally cannot be bothered possibly due to the lack of sleep. To prevent my from putting matchsticks in my eyes to keep me awake I decided the next best thing would be to drink copious amounts of coffee. The non stop slump has made me feel nauseous and I’m ready to drop at any moment. It’s safe to say I don’t think this is good for my condition whatsoever.

This morning was all about my medication. I forgot to take them this morning and in a mad panic ended up taking them mid morning whilst tucking into my low fat muller rice. The feeling of “Have I taken them” is something that doesn’t usually cross my mind however this morning the worry sunk in quicker than my Liz Earle face cream.

Have any of you ever worried about forgetting to take your medication and what the repercussions will be? Do you fear that a seizure will happen straight away and if so where you will be and how others are going to handle that episode?

That was me this morning. I could feel myself wanting to inform my colleagues to keep them on alert incase I took ill however refrained from doing so, tried to act as though nothing phased me and carried on with my day as normal. This is the thing with having a condition you cannot control. It’s the doubt, it’s the fear of the unknown and wondering whether you’ll be alone should the inevitable happen.

The one word I haven’t discussed in great length since starting my blog is fear. It’s a topic that has mixed messages and can get quite dark. Yes I’ve pinpointed on fear of the unknown however haven’t documented anything about people’s fears when having Epilepsy.

As a child I thought that one day that I would experience the deja vu moment when I was eight where I would repeatedly convulse only this time I wouldn’t wake up. My heart goes out to so many families who have lost a relative/child who has died from this condition.

Fear of dying from seizures is nearly universal amongst patients and their families and can have an impact on the way you live your life. Maybe this is one of the insecurities my parents and I shared whilst growing up because there could be the slight possibility that the worst case scenario would happen.

What I would say in times such as these where the fear of dying from an episode enters your mind is “If it happens, it happens”

Putting pressure on yourself is not good for you. You can’t erase that fear however living a life in fear is not one that I personally want for myself. If you have moments of fear then share this with the people you love or better still put it in writing, read it and compare it with the positives in your life. Life is too short to worry about something that hasn’t even happened yet.

Some people without a condition have the same issues when the word dying is mentioned however I’ve always been brought up to think that you cannot avoid death (or the taxman for that matter) therefore you must live life to the full and even though it breaks you inside from time to time embrace your condition don’t run from it. I know with myself I tended to over analyse things. To this day I believe that when you have a condition such as Epilepsy that it’s understandable this fear will take hold and cause psychological worry.

One piece of advice for you all. Running from your insecurity can bring you down. Open your eyes and see the life in front of you condition or not. Don’t keep looking back, look forward and make memories you choose to treasure not nightmares you feel that you’re reliving.

Unless you have health issues that are deemed as treatable then you have to make the most with what you have and allow yourself the happiness you deserve.

Anyhow a quick insight about today’s events. Apart from wanting to snooze everywhere I went I’ve eaten healthily however remained exercise free tonight. My body is changing shape and my jeans aren’t feeling as snug. Chocolate has taken a back seat for the time being however has been replaced with a muller rice to curb the sweet craving.

Facebook is officially set up. Get in there!

Following last nights frustrations I have managed to set up a page giving you all full access to Sazzle’s blog along with websites that should give you all an insight as to what Epilepsy entails and where you can seek support. The webpage will also include other links to worry and anxiety two further conditions I hold very close to my heart.

I can openly admit I use these websites frequently to gain an understanding of my condition and to raise awareness. By all means drop it a like if you haven’t already done so.. I won’t hold it against you if you do. 🙂

To conclude today’s post. Open your eyes and see what’s directly in front of you. Having a condition is not about living in fear it’s about understanding what you have and allowing yourself to learn about the coping mechanisms to embrace change. Keep going. I know you can do it.


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