Standing tall.

Happy Saturday everyone, hope you’re all enjoying your weekend so far, It’s just such a shame the weather is so grim. To wake up to another day of rain was starting to depress me however the day got a little brighter and my frown turned upside down because the blinds man came to fit my wooden venetian blinds. My house looks homely and I’m over the moon.

The only downside to decorating our home is the cost. Why is it so pricey for homewear these days? Surely the solution could be that I could flash a bit leg and get £100 off or could burst into tears and get them for nothing. I don’t see that happening do you?

Anyway before I get carried away I better kick off this rainy Saturday with a quote that should hopefully brighten all our days:

“When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone but the righteous stand firm forever”- Proverbs 10:25

This morning was a morning of shakes and something that I thought would prevent me from going out yet another Saturday with my dad. My mood earlier was like the weather, downright miserable however I managed to think clearly, remain calm and persevere with the problem in front of me. The shakes managed to subside after half an hour and I was back to normal.

The quote above represents everything I believe in.

I believe that the good should be rewarded and the bad reprimanded. As a nation we should be united and the righteous should stand firm. I feel that we should stand together sharing our thoughts to help raise Epilepsy awareness and that’s what I’m trying to do.

As a youngster I gravitated towards problems however fast forward twenty years and I’m now a person who cannot be bothered with problems unless they’re something that are either detrimental to my health or the people closest to me. Life is about accepting who you are and understanding that you’re going to have good and bad times. It’s your attitude towards all situations that counts.

Epilepsy is a condition others have chosen over the years to frown at. I have always been wary of my condition however am now in the position where I’m thinking “Bugger it I’ll be sensible and cannot keep worrying”. I cannot continue having these moments of despair, of questioning myself and constantly wanting more therefore instead of waiting for the solution I must go and find it myself.

Saturday equals one thing, Dad and Saz time.. with my mother for company of course. Fortunately I managed to overcome the shakes and decided it was a bit worthless sitting moping in the house therefore went out for a bite to eat and a chat. My dad and I usually humour one another with our statements whilst reminiscing about the past.

Today the conversation revolved around feelings and how in today’s society there’s so much emphasis on having the things you can’t have such as flashy cars, expensive homes, being decked to the nines in designer clothes whilst saving for that rainy day. As you are all aware I didn’t feel like I was accomplishing anything in life unless I was on the go all the time, something today I feel contributed towards my downfall, something I felt caused the majority of my anxiety. That and a mixture of Epilepsy thrown in.

Growing up I was advised from my father’s side of the family to be a leader not a follower, to stand tall and to show the world who I was and that I was a caring yet determined person. I wanted to show the world that regardless of having a condition that I can do things within reason.

My dad and I have an understanding of one another and my father can appreciate the way I am and the pressures I have put onto myself over the years.

Today’s conversation made me see that I must focus on my life and not the life of others. To constantly be comparing yourself to others is a negative action. By doing this can change your persona and make you bitter.

Ask yourself these questions. By comparing yourself with others what is this going to achieve? Do you think you’re life would be any better if you were in their situation? How do you not know that they have their own problems that they’re trying their utmost to conceal? You don’t know, that’s the thing. People guess however aren’t certain.

Life may appear rosy because you walk around and see people in their finery acting all perfect however that may not be the case.

Whilst deep in thought I looked at a family sitting opposite me giggling and smiling without a care in the world. Their love for one another was apparent and radiated around the room.

All of a sudden a thought popped into my head that being that I must fixate my attention on the life I share with my husband (and the cat) and see that money shouldn’t be the be all and end all to succeed. Having air in my lungs, being able to share my passions with others and being able to help myself should be something to be proud of not something that I should strive to improve. Compare myself to ten years ago I’m a completely different person.

I’m a woman who is happy, fulfilled most of the time and are coming to terms with a condition that has dominated her life for so long. Medication isn’t the issue anymore because I’ve taken it daily for 16 out of the 20 years I’ve had Epilepsy. If I reduce it I do, if I don’t I don’t. Either way medication will be a part of my life whether I like it or not therefore I must accept that the Keppra (anti-epileptic drugs) is essential because without it my Epilepsy would be far worse.

Medication can be a nightmare. From the stories I’ve read and the people I’ve talked to medication tends to complicate things. Finding the right medication is a chore, it’s a waiting game. It’s a one you want to say goodbye to however deep down you know that taking medication is required. I’ve always asked myself how many tears do I have to shed before I come to terms that I’m Epileptic? I’m sick of crying therefore I best start smiling because unless I grow out of it it’s here to stay.

My health must take centre stage and as long as I am fit, healthy and pro-active then this will enable me to start planning my life and being happy. Maybe the reason why I have questioned my own actions is because my seizures made me question myself and my ability. For so long the blame was pointed at them, not at what I was becoming.

I choose not to drive and I choose not to stress myself so much for the sake of a further £150 a month. It’s not worth it. Nothing should be worth sacrificing my condition for unless I’m comfortable to do so.

Nowadays I accept that apart from the shakes and the side effects from my medication I hold the remainder of the cards therefore I make do with what I have, make the necessary sacrifices and move on because life isn’t just about standing still. It’s about standing tall and facing Epilepsy together. Standing tall with your shoulders back gives you that lift, it makes you feel like you’re on top of the world and makes you feel alive, I know it does with me.

To conclude today’s post. Appreciate who you are. Standing tall gives you that boost and makes you see that although life may not always deal the right cards that you can overcome your problems and do it with class.

Acceptance is a necessity to move forward, without acceptance then you might as well quit because believe me moping doesn’t get you anywhere. Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within therefore put on your best outfit, put a bit of lippy on (if that’s your thing) and be proud of who you are because nobody can replace you.


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