Thinking… Thinking… and even more thinking.

I have officially decided that Monday’s are my day of returning back to work, getting back into routine and taking a day off from writing my blog. I thoroughly enjoy writing my blog however Monday’s are such hectic nights that I never have enough time to get it done. I assure you I’ll be back on form on Tuesdays!

Monday’s are manic aren’t they? There’s that feeling of dread as soon as the alarm wakes you first thing Monday morning and you know you have five full days before the smile is cracked open because the weekend has officially begun.

What’s all that about really? Why can’t we just formulate some genius plan to get us through the week without whinging? I mean honestly do we really want to wish our lives away? Personally I don’t think it’s necessary however we all insist on doing it me included.

Well I’ve decided no more drab miserable Monday Saz I’m all about the get up and go. I did my usual made up saying of ONIM (Oh no it’s Monday) in my head before getting prepared for work. Now Tuesday’s arrived I have a little spring in my step (just a little mind) and are sort of raring to go till Thursday afternoon when I’m off till the following Tuesday so not too bad.

Right enough moaning let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Below is a quote that definitely got me thinking.

“If your happiness depends on what someone else does I guess you do have a problem”- Richard Bach.

Problems and happiness in one sentence. Mmmm… I’m thinking….

Happiness is a word we all love to have in our lives. It’s something that makes the apples of our cheeks get that little rosier and makes us want more and more of it till we burst. Although happiness is a joyous feeling leaving it in someone else’s hands can be quite destructive. The idea of being reliant on someone else is something that has taken a significant amount of time to accept. Having control of your life is one thing, being reliant on someone else is another.

Unfortunately there are people who have disabilities who require that additional help. That is an essential. When it comes to someone else deciding what your happiness should be then that’s when you need to get your thinking cap on.

Usually I’m a sort of person who likes to play the game my way. I’m truly a believer in compromising however there are certain things that women like to do for themselves such as maybe making a meal, ironing their own clothes and making sure that their belongings are put in an area that they’re aware of. The idea of someone else breaking that cycle is something I personally find strange and get quite angry with.

When my seizures returned in my late teens the idea of someone else dressing me after a seizure and putting me to bed was something I didn’t like. I didn’t like the idea of them cleaning my bloodied tongue after I’d bitten down hard or the idea of them watching over me when I slept.

At one stage on my return I felt that I was a nuisance like I had caused this upheaval yet again. The thought of my friends and family being on tender hooks for my benefit wasn’t something I could digest. In fact on one occasion I was seriously questioning where I stood in the grand scheme of things because I felt like I was a powerful mind trapped in a body full of uncertainty and fear.

When I met my husband I didn’t want to bare my condition to him. I prayed that he would never see me convulsing and it made me quite wary of my condition. The look on his face when he saw boxes of medication made him understand that Epilepsy wasn’t a walk in the park; in fact it was my life and he was going to be a part of that.

My husband is possibly one of the only people who truly understands what I’m going through because he’s seen situations such as worrying moments, anxiety attacks, shakes and seizures. For someone to witness that regularly must be extremely hard for him however he never bats an eye, he repeatedly shows me support and always reminds me that whatever the outcome I will win. Compared to the way I was five years ago when we met I’m a different person. The moments are there however that’s out of my control.

Words of encouragement is beneficial when a condition is involved. To hear that you’re doing well when you know your condition is on your mind is something I held quite close to my heart. Knowing my loved ones were there to nurture me when times were rough meant the world to me.

Thinking today made me see that everyone needs those words of encouragement to give them the determination to continue. Looking in the present there aren’t encouraged which I find extremely sad. Throughout this blog journey I repeatedly say that you’re never alone and rest assured you’re not. If you need that help then go for it, what’s stopping you?

As a child my parents drummed into me that it takes more of a person to ask for help than face that problem alone. To be independent is an attribute however too much independence can be your downfall. Looking outside the box is something we must all face at some point. Keep your loved ones close to you however realise that there will be situations out of your control. When you have Epilepsy that’s usually the case however we plod on and look at it as a way a life.

Today was all about visiting my gran (as I’ve wrote on many occasion) for a good old chicken dinner, a chinwag and a can of diet coke. My gran is someone who I turn to on a Tuesday night usually for those words of encouragement because she has been there and seen it all. She is someone who has a keen interest in the welfare of her granddaughter and along with banging the world to rights she sees what a change five years has made to me.

Originally my gran didn’t actually believe that I had Epilepsy and put it down to something else whatever that was at the time. Fortunately me gran has never seen a seizure up close however every single time a documentary is on sky or something’s on the news relating to Epilepsy she cannot help but record it and insist I watch it on my visit.

My gran’s heart’s in the right place and like me believes in support groups and self help guides to assist others in need. It’s only taken Gran twenty years to understand what Epilepsy is and how it can have an adverse effect on life.

This evenings topic was all about the price of poultry in Asda and how you could get two joints of meat for £7. She advised that next time she visited Asda she would “Ensure she got a couple for me to freeze” so that my husband and I wouldn’t starve to death. Gran holds no punches and she assured me that I needed to sustain my happiness by enjoying myself and reflecting on what I actually have.

Another sort of power rant/wise quote from the gran this evening was “You kids you always want it yesterday” I agree with that one however tried not to laugh when she said it.

That’s the one thing about grandparents. They teach you old school and although you have the occasional frown behind their back you know deep down they’re right and have your best interests at heart.

I decided today that my obsession with Cadbury’s twirls must be stopped therefore I refrained from having my 8am chocolate fix from the work’s tuck shop and stuck to my low fat banana yogurt instead with an actual banana thrown in. Lunchtime was all about the small jacket potato with tuna and dinner was a chicken dinner with no Yorkshire puds. All in all the day has been a roaring success.

As for the squat challenge I did 100 squats (my legs were killing me and my arse was making funny noises- not farting I think I may have pulled a muscle) with 2.5kg weights and completed my 150 situps for the evening. Depending upon the old muscle pain tomorrow will decide whether my Davina DVD will be on however fingers crossed because I need to keep going.

A few words of encouragement for my exercise lovers out there. Keep going you’re doing marvellous and keep sending me your delicious recipes because they look good enough to eat! Keep calm and squat on!

To conclude today’s post. Thinking we all do it, actually some do it to excess me included. By creating your own happiness means you’re in charge not someone else dictating how you run your life. In that sentence you and your are the two most important words because ultimately you’re the one who has to make the decision as to what you want and how you move forward.


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