I’ve got to keep smiling.

“Happiness always looks small when you hold it in your hands but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is”- M Gorky

Happiness is precious. To me it’s like family.

Ask yourself this. Do we take the things we hold so dear for granted because we always expect them to be there? Do we rely on others as a means of support or do we rely on them to do everything for us? What would they do if they weren’t there?

These are the biggest questions that entered my head whilst reading this quote.

Support is something quintessentially that we all need. During each challenge we face a good support network will see you alright. They make us see that there’s more to life than our thoughts and insecurities. They make us see that we cannot take them for granted and that we must at all times appreciate what they do for us.

There have been moments in my life where I have blamed others for my actions. Being in denial whilst establishing that I had Epilepsy was probably one of the moments in which that blame was there. It was no joke, my family were hurting at the news that had just been broken and we were all deeply upset. Usually we could all sit down and discuss matters like human beings however there were moments where I’d fly off the handle and blame my parents for smothering me.

In my parents defence I know now that they did this to protect me, not to prove a point. I was their only daughter and like all parents they wanted to ensure my safety was intact along with coming to terms that their daughter was Epileptic. Not only was my life going to change but we all had to adapt.

Looking back I put my anger to sheer frustration nevertheless it shouldn’t have been done.

This next caption sums up my feelings towards my pattern back then and now:

“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person back then”- Lewis Carroll.

Lewis Carroll brought us the famous book Alice in Wonderland. Not only was this one of my favourite books as a child it made me look at my Epilepsy clearly. After years of tormenting myself over my condition I decided that change was essential. Alice took that leap, followed the rabbit and knew she was different. In her mind she lived in another land.

I didn’t feel normal, I felt like I was in another place the majority of the time. I was the same, I wasn’t like everyone else therefore why was I running away from my Epilepsy?

Over the years lapses had arisen and I was always in a bid to get my point across, to be heard and to make others see the torment I was going through. Nowadays coping with Epilepsy is just an everyday occurrence. When a letter comes through from your GP you attend, when he/she tells you you must change your medication you (with the occasional trepidation) adhere to their request and when you have a seizure/shaky bout you take it on the chin deal with the side effects and move on.

Although we aren’t necessarily the biggest fans of this routine it is our life. It could be worse therefore we must conform to this routine and attempt to do it with a smile. Smiling in my eyes makes the world go round. That and happiness come hand in hand.

If you feel that there is no way out then I’d recommend this write down your feelings, see what’s making you frustrated and seek advice. What makes you tick? What makes you angry and how can you change this pattern? Acknowledging this pattern may help your recovery. It’s worth a try. That’s what I did and it made me feel so much better. If anything it kicked me out of the rut I was in and the negativity I was putting onto myself. To be continuously upset isn’t healthy. To hide behind a mask doesn’t get you anywhere.

As you are all aware on Thursday I was diagnosed with the chicken pox. People may say that it’s a godsend to rest up, catch up with as much daytime TV as possible and eat what I like. To a degree I’d agree however I’m absolutely shattered. Fortunately my blebs have remained on my back, neck and shoulders and have not spread however they are as itchy as hell. In fact my entire body is itchy. I’ve remained clean and covered my spots in calamine lotion to prevent the itch. My husband however has been a godsend trying his hardest to keep me smiling.

For those who haven’t seen the latest edition to my humour book see the food face on my twitter timeline- I couldn’t help but have a little giggle.

I must say like other aspects of my life I’ve tried to remain positive and smiley throughout. My bedtime routine has gone right out of the window with me waking up regularly through the night however have still managed to get 13 hours sleep per day.

I’ve never been the biggest fan of breaking routine. Throughout the past three days I’m coming to terms with this breakage and laughing at the fact that my husband and I could play dot to dot on by back. I also look like little Miss Whitey with my calamine patches. As mentioned in my previous post I didn’t actually associate chicken pox with adults and cannot stop laughing to myself at the idea that I’m off work with it.

Originally I didn’t deem chicken pox to be that serious in adults however definitely take that back. So far apart from feeling like rubbish, sleeping all the time, dull headaches, itching non stop and having aches and pains I’ve managed to walk away unscathed. I’ve had a pain across my back and are praying to god I don’t get shingles.

The scabs are yet to form so I’m still infected and have kept my distance from everyone apart from my husband who had it when he was 4 years of age. From others I’ve spoken to some are bed ridden, vomiting, sore throats, blotches all over their body and a soaring temperature usually happens. Fingers crossed my symptoms remain as they are and don’t deteriorate.

Whilst staying at home I have eaten relatively well and tried not to snack. If someone brings a sweet or savoury dish they’ve made into work I’m usually the first one to jump up for a slice. At present I’ve probably had two Jacobs club’s (orange ones of course), a bag of chips and a McFlurry in three days so not too bad.

Today I was debating about having a bowl of ice-cream as my throat was quite hot therefore my husband ran along to Maccy D’s to grab himself a meal and me a McFlurry. I opted for my quick and east beef noodles and have stuck with eating fruit and vegetables whilst resting. The thought of having an entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s cookie dough sounded tempting however I was determined that my squat challenge would not go to waste over a £3 tub of doughy loveliness.

The squat challenge is on the back burner for the time being however when I’m feeling well enough I’ll be back to my normal self shaping that rear like we all know how. The term Keep Calm and squat on will be reintroduced into my exercise pattern and hopefully my lower body will be feeling the burn yet again. I will be back with my squat challenge family to share the love and squat away!

To conclude today’s post. We all have to keep smiling. The weekend is here therefore (as I say every weekend) we must make the most of it. Never underestimate your own ability to succeed. Never underestimate yourself for anyone. Believe in you. Look at yourself like a blank canvas and see what picture you can create. Will it be a dark and dreary one or will it be one full of life. You decide.


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