Good evening everyone. Hope you’re all well. The weekend gone was a rather busy yet amusing one however I didn’t realise how amusing until yesterday morning.
The quote below sums up the past 24 hours. You’ll get where the quotes going as the post continues.
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer”- Douglas Adams.
And I literally don’t know the answer.
Yesterday I intended on going to work, coming home, visiting the in laws for our Monday night feast and relaxing in front of the fire whilst reading my kindle and catching up with you all. Unfortunately my day didn’t go according to plan.
One thing about Epilepsy that truly amazes me is the fact that it never fails to catch you off guard. It shows it’s face when you least expect it and makes it’s feelings known. What I have grown to understand is that when you have a condition such as Epilepsy you’re mind is always somewhere else. You try your utmost to focus however your concentration is shot to shit and you’re wondering what’s gonna happen next.
When you have a condition you have to remain positive because without optimism in your life then you wouldn’t carry on the way you do.
Maybe this is one of the reasons why I chose to raise Epilepsy awareness because a vast amount of people visualise Epilepsy as just seizures, tiredness, strobe lights and hospital appointments. Unfortunately that isn’t the case.
When you have a condition such as mine you feel like there’s an ongoing battle with yourself, usually it doesn’t effect you because deep down you know your medication is going to an extent provide you with that stability. Unfortunately however there are moments in which your body loses control as does your mind and before you know it you’re sitting there a blubbering wreck wondering what’s happening to you and how you actually got there.
In my case no warning signs are given there’s just you, your condition and your thoughts. What troubles me is that although I’m accepting my condition at times of trouble it doesn’t matter how many people are around you you still have that element of loneliness because people don’t understand the way you feel. All you want it to do is just stop. Mainly that’s because it’s you and your condition together one on one.
For those who have read my blog in it’s entirety will know that I’ve had these shaking episodes for just over eight years. They are epilepsy related, they have similarities to a seizure however aren’t. They are maybe a separate form of seizure however I am awake and have a rough idea as to what’s happening. You get no warning. At present I’m averaging four a week, the majority are very subtle however all it takes is one to throw you. The stronger ones are getting more frequent however I’m trying my best to persevere.
Yesterday was a day where I decided that this was a new week, that I had a brilliant weekend and that this week was going to be exactly the same.
The headaches started first thing yesterday morning however I convinced myself that after a couple of paracetemol, a glass of orange juice, a shower and a little bit of makeup that I would be raring to go and that the headache would subside. Fortunately the headache did and I was wearing a butterfly top that I’ve waited two months to pull out of my wardrobe. Bonus.
My sugar levels were low therefore I reached for a galaxy ripple (naughty I know) to get my blood sugar levels up. The chocolate went down a treat along with my cup of coffee. The day was getting off to a flying start.
Shortly after I had a meeting with my colleagues I came over all hot and bothered, my legs were heavy and the headache was back. When I’m at work I don’t want people to worry. Funnily enough I think more about making them uncomfortable than I do myself therefore I notified my colleagues that I was going to get some air outside. I don’t like the idea that people worry about me. My colleagues are extremely supportive and know what’s best to keep me calm.
Before long I couldn’t feel the left hand side of my face, my left arm was numb, I felt sick, I was blowing hot and cold and I couldn’t sit still. I was lying on a blanket knowing that my body was weak. Initially I thought it would just pass however it didn’t. My eyes were heavy, the shakes were now into my hands, my arms were sore and all I wanted to do was sleep. When you shake it’s more like a jerking movement. You’re shaking and it changes depending upon what mood it’s in.
I could see double vision and everything was blurred. I tried my best to focus however could see four sockets and found that to be remotely odd. You know you’re definitely not feeling right when you think of how many hoovers could fit into the sockets. Why I was thinking about cleaning when I was shaking god only knows, maybe it’s the domestic goddess coming out of me… Yeah right.
Yesterday one of the definitive moments was when I was sitting in the hallway shaking. My husband came to see me and acknowledged that I would be ok. Whilst being held in his arms I said to him.
“I’m not scared, just disappointed, I just want them to go away so I can carry on with my day”
I just wanted to be strong and to use the memorable quotes that I’ve learnt over the years to get me though this lapse. My eyes were sore and we had a little moment where I shed a few tears. It wasn’t my mind making me cry. The shakes had took over and made me extremely emotional.
Whilst shaking I looked at him again and told him that if this was the only thing that was wrong with my life then I had a lot to be thankful for. My husband held my hands to ease the shaking and said that in times of need I was still trying to brave a smile.
After half an hour I decided it was only right to go home. I felt terrible. All I wanted to do was start my week the way my weekend had ended. My healthy eating had gone well and truly out of the window however there was no time to think about that it was all about bedtime for me. And so I did just that. The shaking continued for a further hour before I went to sleep.
After the shaking I slept for just over four hours. The night was a complete wash out however I did take full advantage of my husband when he returned from work. I asked my other half to cook dinner, bring cups of tea into bed and on the sofa whilst I watched the twilight films. Late afternoon I started to resume back to normal. I was tired but knew for the time being it was over. Thank god for that.
Whilst resting I turned over the TV to see such devastation on the evening news. The entire world were watching two explosions happen before their eyes as many ran the Boston Marathon. I couldn’t believe it. The carnage, the upset and the cry’s for help were bellowing on the TV. It literally took my breath away and made me wonder what the world was coming to. Here there was a country trying their best to celebrate then all of a sudden their world was turned upside down in a matter of minutes. Then it dawned on me, the very words I’ve said in the past. There’s always someone worse off than you. No one deserved that.
Here I was sitting there after a shaking episode whilst others across the pond were trying to find their loved ones in the rubble. It make me appreciate that today’s events were nothing compared to what I’d just witnessed.
I can’t shy away from the fact that what I’d been through was awful for me however to see such upset on the TV made me want to continue as normal because life is for living. You have to take the rough with the smooth. The shakes are my rough and the remainder of my life is relatively smooth. I’m proud to say I’m getting there slowly but surely.
Yesterday was a right off food wise. My husband was cooking so dare I say anymore. He tried his best therefore my meal consisted of pasta and a yoghurt (not both together ha). I managed to get my fruit intake in however the early morning chocolate fix did let me down. The squat challenge was knocked on the head for obvious reasons and has resumed again this evening.
Come on! 105 squats, the burn is well and truly felt. To top it all off I squatted down only to rip the seam of my pants. I’m putting it down to not having a big tush but the fact that my arse is getting so shapely that it doesn’t want to wear these cheap pants anymore. It’s craving new ones with Saz’s ass on the back.
Another small bar of chocolate was consumed today however the eating has gone well. Cereal, fruit, tuna pasta and salmon with veg. The exercise is done and I’m feeling so much happier. What I would ask is this. Can anyone give me any recommendations to get me off this fecking chocolate? Unfortunately two squares don’t satisfy a chocolate monster. What would you suggest?
To conclude today’s post. Never give in. If you’re not feeling well then your body’s telling you something. Don’t give in to your goals however just accept that there are going to be moments where you’re body is low therefore you must listen to it and rest. In the words of Albert Einstein:
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving”
Keep moving but be sensible. Usually I fall off however I try to get back on it at all times. I recommend you do the same.
Thank you for all your well wishes and constant words of encouragement. Your words mean the world to me so thank you. Lotsa love xx