One sentence. Where you’re going is so much more important than where you’ve been.
Damn right. Try and forget the what if’s and focus on the what now’s.
My insecurities stare me right in the face and make me question the changes made to where I stand right now. Most of my life I have allowed myself to regain this uptight feeling every single time someone disagreed with me, every single time they questioned my authority and every time my worries got the better of me because I feared I had said something to offend someone.
Rewind back four years and that was me. Worried Saz. The worry was a force to be reckoned with and I had nowhere to hide. I can’t recall who sings the song however a soulful singer once sand “Nowhere to run to baby, nowhere to hide” that was me alright putting on this brave face in front of family however breaking inside.
What I have questioned during my lifetime is this. Had Epilepsy turned me into this worried state or was it all my own doing? My medication hasn’t helped however there’s the possibility that I was partly to blame. What we all have to say is this. Why the blinking heck am I worried about what someone else thinks of me and more to the fact who cares? I have questioned this matter for so long that at times it clouds my judgement and something I find on occasion I rarely jump back into.
There’s 95% of me who couldn’t give a toss however there’s that 5% that rears it’s ugly head and makes me doubt myself. It’s that 5% that makes me feel helpless, worthless and tired. Why does the brain have to do this to us? Is it the brain’s way of telling you to admit defeat. Pardon my French but fuck that shit for a laugh I ain’t taking this lying down.
Since diagnosis I have always had to psyche myself to achieve what I wanted to achieve. Whereas it would take someone once to muster something it would take me a dozen. I was never artistic however had the nack of talking and getting what I could off my chest on the premise that I was feeling confident that particular day. The uncertainity surrounding both my medication and my condition was something I didn’t take to lightly. It’s only taken till about two years ago to finally accept that my medication is what it is as are my shakes, seizures and anxiety.
There was something I read today in a magazine that made me question the problem I’ve just described. After reading it a half a dozen times it started to make sense and summarised my life in a way I never thought was possible. The words were:
“If you want it you’ll find a way, if not you’ll find an excuse”
I started to read on before coming across another caption:
“Be yourself because an original is worth so much more than a copy”
Bloody hell. I couldn’t believe it. The words were so powerful and made me wonder. Why do I put so many obstacles in my way when I’m feeling low. Maybe it’s best to take my own advice along with the reams of advice given by my superiors. That advice is dust yourself off and accept that you are the original.
You cannot make a copy of you because it wouldn’t come out the same. A copy of me wouldn’t be portrayed in the same way and it sure as hell wouldn’t behave like I am what with my moments of madness, my daft sayings and my chocolate obsession. It would be a watered down version of the Saz we all have a giggle with and the one who offers advice when she can.
One thing my Epilepsy has taught me is that allowing it to effect you can cause you to fall. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way. People question what’s more important knowledge or common sense. When I was younger I wanted to prove a point. I wanted to be the one to enter university and return with that degree. I wanted to wear the cap and gown and say that I made it.
I’m all for people furthering their education however at present if someone questioned me about what road I’d choose I’d probably say that I’d rather have a degree in common sense than an academic degree any day. This choice is partly down to the fact that we are expected to use this “common sense” regularly and that common sense can make an impact on your life.
Other’s don’t understand it however when you have a condition such as Epilepsy you are making life changing decisions on a daily basis ranging from battling seizures, medication taking, neurological appointments and just breaking through those walls to overcome the anxiety that comes with the condition you have.
On the topic of daily tasks I’m back to work. Usually I’d be all forlorn at the idea of returning back to work after the easter break however I was surprisingly relaxed. The headaches have not diminished in the slightest. Monday was a nightmare for headaches both on the morning and the evening. Today was no different they come and go when they please.
The healthy eating hit a brick wall. I have been so anxious about my dad. As I may have mentioned in the previous post my dad had to go into hospital for a angiogram. Four years ago my father had the unpleasant experience of having a heart attack abroad and suffered severe palpitations on his return. Since then my dad has been taking prescribed medication to regulate his heartbeat and to prevent him having any further “wobblers”. It’s like my shakes only his is with another vital organ in his body.
My dad and I wind each other up rotten what with him walking round the town centre pretending to get an electric shock. It’s nice to know he isn’t taking himself too seriously.
I will be honest but I’ve been an absolute wreck at the prospect of my dad’s heart being zapped. I appreciate thousands of procedure’s are done like his however it still doesn’t erase the fact that this is happening to him. The results have came through. To my dismay my dad has a swollen heart and will remain on medication for a further three months.
The damage caused by the regular palpitations has been zapped away however there’s the possibility another angiogram may follow come August this year. Overall the doctors have tried to eradicate the problem and have told my dad that the surgery went well.
I spoke with Dad this evening who assured me all’s well and that he wore his Dad’s army socks I purchased for him whilst undergoing this procedure. He had the nerve to say to the nurse “Try not to hurt me today after all it’s my birthday”. My dad has a certain way about him that is not only endearing but fabulous at the same time. I can just imagine the nurse’s running after him bring him bonus cups of tea.
All in all he’s sitting there with a hospital gown on with his dad’s army socks poking through. Maybe those socks not only showed him how much I love him but that this was his lucky charm to pull him through war buff that he is.
My mind and body have been distraught and the Sazzie chocolate challenge has gone out the window. I had a galaxy yesterday and a piece of Victoria Sponge today courtesy of one of my colleagues. Apart from those two instances my eating has been rather swell and I’m trying my utmost to start as I mean to go on. I haven’t deferred from the good old Squat challenge, in fact my American friend is on board and I’m exchanging stats with someone across the pond!
Talking about the squat challenge my arse is well and truly killing me. My rear is getting more toned by the day however remains it’s normal size.. Like the size of that 1kg Easter egg eaten over the Easter period. Bring on the tight pants I wanna show this tush off once I’m done!
Yesterday the country were told that Margaret Thatcher had died. Everyone has their own personal opinion on The Iron Lady the majority of which happened before I was born. My opinion is that as Prime Minister she represented the country the best way she could at the time. Fair enough mistakes were made that divided the nation however she was and still is the only minister who had a pair of bollocks and stood up for what she believed in. She didn’t just talk, she did and that’s what makes her iconic and hated all in the same breath.
This evening is all about resting. The squats are done (up to 70 now) and I’m ready to have a bath, take some more headache tablets and get ready for work tomorrow.
To conclude this post. Whatever you feel just live it. Don’t try to change it just be who you want to be and if people don’t like it well tough. Be courteous but also have your best interests at heart. Courtesy of book quotes the following makes all the sense in the world and can apply to anyone. Worrying is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere. Draw your own conclusion, just be content with you.