The come down.

“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same” – Carlos Castaneda

One word. Slump. Today has been a shit day and a one that I would rather forget in a hurry. Yesterday was an eventful day, a day of celebration. Today I just felt demotivated with no explanation as to why I felt this way. I know I have posted about being demotivated in the past but it is an ongoing battle at times. Maybe today was an “off day” however I didn’t want an off day. My mind was saying one thing and my body another.

I’m off work from tomorrow for ten days. I should be jumping for joy at the prospect that I can sleep in till whenever I want and mosey about without a care in the world however today I just didn’t feel like myself.

Don’t we all get like that sometimes? Don’t we all just feel like we want to tell the world to sod off, grab everything in our cupboards and munch away whilst watching our favourite TV programmes. I know today should have been a duvet day. I wanted to shut the world off and go back to sleep. Like sleeping beauty I wanted to sleep for a thousand years. I got that right didn’t I or was that Snow White? Either way it was one of them!

My eyes felt heavy whilst at my desk, caffeine might as well have been on a drip and my mind was somewhere completely different. Let’s just say I wasn’t me and I was feeling miserable. Today I couldn’t put my finger as to why I was feeling so forlorn. It wasn’t my hormones and it sure as hell wasn’t down to finances because I get paid tomorrow. What was it?

My medication worries have been pushed to the back of my subconscious however I have had a vast amount of shakes within quick succession. I was doing extremely well about a year ago when they averaged once every 2 and a half weeks however now they’re back like old times averaging at least three a week. My mind has been working overtime to fathom out why they’re increasing. I wanted to throw in the towel and burst into tears about this shaking scenario however thought that this would get me nowhere.

The quote above states the obvious. Whether you be miserable or happy the amount of work is the same. If you had a choice to be happy or miserable which one would you choose? I know the obvious would be to be happy however some prefer to choose the miserable category. I may shoot myself in the foot with this one however some people actually enjoy people constantly sympathising with them and telling them that nothing compares to the difficulties they’ve had.

Part of me feels like yanking these from the miniature world they’re living in and telling them that they’ve experienced nothing until they’ve walked in our shoes however that would make me as bad as them and to be honest I cannot be bothered with the whole thing. You know what I mean don’t you? The whole anything you can do I can do better bollocks. I cannot stand people like that.

Having Epilepsy at times can be a struggle and make you worry about anything and everything without knowing exactly why you’re doing it.

Having this condition has felt like I’ve been on the biggest waltzer in the world being spun from pillar to post with no one to pull the leaver and make it stop. It’s only now that I would choose happiness over uncertainty. Who wants to live in a life of panic? Who wants to live a life of no discipline? I know I don’t however there are times in life where you have absolutely no control. It’s a matter of how you cope is the biggest hurdle.

Talking about my condition now isn’t the hurdle it once was, in fact I’m proud to say I’m Epileptic sharing my story and trying to help others.

Today I got thinking about what it was like to be happy and what people must do to remain on track. Do we document our steps to encourage ourselves to move forward or do we try to train our mind to think differently. Sometimes I feel that there’s too much emphasis to change there and then. It’s a slow recovery process and cannot be changed overnight.

Some people feel that by going cold turkey can make an impact to their healing process. Some may feel that going cold turkey is beneficial to their healing process however when you have a condition as complex as Epilepsy that process will fall on it’s arse. Every challenge is a step. Some steps may be in the right direction and at times you may deviate off course however as long as you remain assertive about the whole situation then you will get there. I promise. Each to their own.

There’s no simple way to say this but going cold turkey with anything is a fucking nightmare. Your intentions are good however the idea of removing something entirely from your life without weening yourself off it is awful. Take me with chocolate for instance. This is a battle I have been plagued with since the day I managed to eat solids.

The weather has been absolutely rubbish and this is one of my reasons as to why I feel like I’m getting the munchies. I ain’t pregnant and I’m as miserable as sin coming out of work to a blanket of snow. Are we all in this rut and is it partly down to the weather? When the weather’s bad I have time to think, hence the questioning this evening.

Like a drug addiction I personally think you can actually be addicted to chocolate and I most definitely fall into this category. I have been extremely lucky to not only gain a significant amount of weight but to not lose my teeth either. Either my teeth are as hard as old boots or come the age of 35 they’ll all drop out and I’ll be gurning for England chomping steak against my strengthened gums.

Whenever chocolates around I’m like a mad woman possessed and to remove it entirely from my diet is proving harder than I thought. This may explain the rut I’m in.

Magazines state that it’s been physically proven that chocolate along with other caffeine based products such as coffee and other sugary substances can in fact make you alert. The comedown hits you like a ton of bricks and before you know it you’re raiding your fridge eating anything and everything on display. Today I managed to have a small piece of chocolate and didn’t return for second helpings. My main meal went down a treat and I wasn’t there waiting like a dog by his bowl panting for seconds.

I personally think merging a vast amount of sugar with my medication doesn’t help my shakes. Combine that pattern with the general routine of life then you may have at times a recipe for disaster.

I don’t know if it’s the greatest idea I’ve ever come up with (I don’t many lightbulb moments) however my aim while I’m absent from work is to remain relatively chocolate free. I’m to replace lighter chocolate with dark and to have a maximum of two baby squares per day.

I will keep you all informed on how I’m doing along with reporting my usual daily tasks and raising awareness on my condition. I have made my husband confiscate my Easter eggs and have given him permission to eat them of his own accord on the one proviso that he cannot eat them in front of me.

Exercise went well today and I was panting so hard that I scared the cat. My Davina app for the IPhone is the business and is pushing me big style, this can only be a good thing. My goal is to eat healthy, exercise regularly and feel better in my straight jeans hanging up in my spare room shouting to be worn again with my new floral blazer. I just need to get off my arse, drink a couple of mugs of awfulness (that we all know an love as green tea) and find a way to jumpstart myself yet again.

To conclude this evenings post. We all have our down days particularly when we veer off course. Medication can play a role in this slump therefore we have to accept the days where we are feeling blue and ensure the day’s when we are upbeat that we live for the moment and embrace them.

Whether it be seizures, exams, food or just the general necessities in life we must remember this. Happiness makes you smile, sorrow can crush you. As Michael Jordan once said I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. Let’s rejig Mr Jordan’s words for one second. Don’t look at yourself as a failure look at the qualities you have. Never lose sight of who you are because being you isn’t such a bad thing. Stay strong and true to who you are and the rest will follow.

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