Why do we keep questioning?

Two words to describe the weather bitterly cold. Two words to describe my mood positively uplifting.

Today was the first time in eleven days where I wasn’t up at 5am getting ready for work and had the opportunity to roll over and drift back off to sleep. That feeling ranks up there with eating chocolate, buying clothes and being seizure free. I was still up early this morning however felt energised and ready to start the day. Medication was taken, magazines were read and a cup (or two) of coffee was drank.

Whilst reading my magazine and scrolling through my tweets from the night before I noticed that I now have 100 followers on twitter and was thrilled at how many people have decided to support Sazzle’s blog.

Now people may be thinking “Hold up you only have 100 followers” however for someone who was anxious about releasing a blog about my thoughts and feelings towards worry, anxiety and Epilepsy is a massive achievement to me.

Below is a quote that may enlighten you all towards the way I’ve felt whilst writing this blog and the people I have had the opportunity to chat to.

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless”- Mother Theresa

The purpose of creating this blog was to write down my own experiences that I could refer back to in times of trouble.

Not only did I feel that this would be beneficial to my recovery however may help others gage an understanding of their own condition and may be able to translate that to others. Over the past two months you guys have given me that self belief and have made me like me again. It’s crazy to think that we all have similarities and some of us suffer the same worries about Epilepsy.

The information I have collated in two months from people on twitter is phenomenal and the online companionships I’ve made is unreal. I now know how people other than myself cope and how they prioritise their lives to accommodate their condition or their goals to lose weight, remain in control and to support the people they love.

The feedback I’ve received from you all is assuring. I admire you all and have sought advice on coping, accepting my medication along with my faults and appreciating that life is for living and not putting obstacles in my own way.

As mentioned in earlier posts the timeline of doubt since being diagnosed with Epilepsy has been a long drawn process.

Irrespective of me being seizure free for the period I have I’m still at times trying to be one up on myself and don’t know why. I know along with others know that this mental pattern is not healthy. I know one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) that I will wake up one morning and all those missing pieces should eventually slot together to create the bigger picture.

I don’t for one second believe that I’m being hard on myself however realise that we only get one life so we best make the most out of what we have. If the shit’s hit the fan on some aspects of our life then we must make the best of a bad job, write it off and accept that what’s done is done.

I have been known in the past for being “Analytical Saz” At first I would challenge people evaluating my persona however as I got older actually understood why they would call me this. The medication changes have to me been probably one of the hardest fears of mine. Combine that with the fear of having a seizure or a shaky bout alone took a very long time to come to terms with.

Today like all Saturdays I went out with my Dad before returning home to shout at the TV whilst watching my football coupon go tits up for the 205th time. It’s safe to say that betting is NOT my strongest subject. Every week my Dad, husband and I walk into the bookies and put on a couple of pound each. We then return home, have numerous mugs of tea and shout at the TV whilst watching all our bets go down the swanney. I absolutely adore my Saturdays particularly when my dad’s there.

He is one of the funniest, generous and kind hearted men I know. He swears like a trooper, drinks tea like a fish and like my gran bangs the world to rights every time I see him. He traipses round the shops with me on a Saturday in which the pair of us walk arm in arm, grab a bite to eat and buy the occasional bargain. My dad is renowned for his “fashion advice” telling me what accessory works well with a colourful blazer and what shoes suit a pair of bootcut jeans.

He is what I would call the “Gok Wan” of South Shields. He is the man that can! This is coming from a man who looked like he was part of Duran Duran in the 80’s and made a complete tit of himself before I was born. The fashions of the 80’s are like marmite some it and others couldn’t stand it. My dad was what we called in the UK “A new romantic” and thought he was the bees knees from the get go. That was before he became a Dad.

This morning I walked into a clothes shop to stumble across a new blazer. It was sheer perfection and cost me £70. It was a floral jacket and made my beautiful coral jacket look like the underdog. It was bold, beautiful and so chic. My dad thought it matched my personality perfectly and I had to have it. It got my dad’s approval and it had to be mine. I had that Wayne’s world moment.

“The jacket is mine.. oh yes the jacket is mine” and so I bought it.

The words “Ker ching” came straight into my head when the tag swiped across the counter. Get me some more clothes I thought however knew that I had bills to pay therefore couldn’t buy anymore.

Getting back to the Saturday ritual.

I posted a photo of Dad earlier this morning circa 1990 when I was 5 years old, this is currently sitting on my twitter timeline.

I wouldn’t change a Saturday with my dad for the world. The routine remains the same. Today my dad and I were discussing whether it’s wiser to look into the future or to focus on the present. The questioning lasted about half an hour. At one stage I questioned why I put so much emphasis on myself to be the best at everything.

I compared myself to others who in my eyes I thought were more successful than me (i.e. they had a degree, money, children) however my dad made me see that I have everything I want right in front of me. Yes I’m restricted at times because of my condition however that condition has made me a better person. It’s made me appreciate the smaller things in life that others take for granted. Comparing yourself with everyone else doesn’t achieve anything. The past is gone, the present is now and the future is yet to be written. As this is the case why worry?

Today I returned home from shopping and received an Easter egg from my husband with the words “Congratulations 100” on it. He bought it for me. He bought it because he knew how much this blog means to me.

He like myself wants to raise Epilepsy awareness as he too has to live with this condition. He is the one who witnesses the seizures/shakes. He may not have the condition himself however relives it through me. That’s what a partnership is. I’m a part of him as he is a part of me. We take on each others problems and try our utmost to help one another because you should never be alone.

To conclude today’s post. The concept of questioning can be misinterpreted in our own minds let alone others.

Questions can easily be turned into a timeline of anxiety and over analysing. Questions are acceptable in small doses. Some individuals get into that routine of worrying about how people perceive them; me included till recently.

We all have things in life we want to change however if we did change them would we be the people we are right now? Everyone has regrets and everyone has problems however we must continue to find that balance between the past and the present. The simple things in life are the things we enjoy the most like buying clothes, listening to music, enjoying a meal with friends and family and laughing at your favourite TV programme.

I decided today following that in depth conversation with Dad was that I aim to be caring about the ones I love however must maintain a carefree approach to others that don’t understand me. Life’s too short to over analyse.


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