What’s a girl to do?

Recently all I’ve wanted to do is listen to Unfinished Sympathy by Massive Attack.

I’ve listened to the entire Massive Attack album Collected and I have been in another world. That’s what my life’s been about at the minute ups and downs particularly when the word medication is mentioned.

Massive Attack are chilling me out right now and making me weigh up the pros and cons of my medication problems. Over the past two days not only have I been bogged down with errands, work and family visits however had a lot of thinking to do. Put all this to one side and there you have it. Do I reduce my medication?

Question for you all this evening. Have you ever had any worries when the word medication comes into the equation?

Whilst listening to relaxing music the quote below flickered onto my phone.

“The answer lies within ourselves. If we can’t find peace and happiness there it’s not going to come from the outside”- Tenzin Palmo.

I think the answer is yes. We all need a little peace and happiness right?

Yesterday was like no other. I burst into tears as soon as I looked at myself in the mirror and as soon as I got to work the doubt returned with me wailing in front of my colleagues before clearing my mascara from my face in the disabled toilet feeling like a right prat. Why was I crying? Why am I making this harder than what it’s supposed to be? I know why. It’s because I’m conscious that my seizures will return. My shakes I can cope with. The seizures; well they are an entirely different ball game.

I managed to get through yesterday eating surprisingly well before returning home and catching up with a few programmes I’d series linked on my Sky+ box. Whilst watching a recent thriller I started questioning life and how far I’ve come. I questioned the past weeks events ranging from the mood swings to the hope of overcoming the frustration. I looked around me, stared at the cat for answers before jotting down a list of the why’s and what if’s when it came to my condition.

And do you know what?

I decided that the pluses clearly outweighed the minuses. The way I was feeling towards my condition was the way the old Saz did when she was a teenager. It’s that dreaded four year mark, a place I’ve been to before. I went four years once only this time I hoped that this seizure free period would last longer than four years. I want it to be an eternity. That’s the downside to Epilepsy. Your life can consist of what if’s, it’s how you turn them into I can’s that appears to be the hardest part.

After consulting family and colleagues I managed to make the decision that I have postponed for so long. The same feelings emerged the last time I reduced my medication 18 months ago.

At present I have decided that at this stage of my life I will keep my medication exactly as it is. People may question why I shouldn’t take that leap of faith because life isn’t life without risks. My view is that the way I have been feeling lately could escalate into a cycle of concern should the medication be reduced at this vital stage of my recovery and could make me insecure again. The fear of knowing that the medication has reduced is something that at this point of my life I cannot quite face up to.

As my gran says watching from the sidelines isn’t such a bad thing. By watching doesn’t make you any less of a leader it just makes you see that you have your whole life to try new things. Why go against my own advice and run un-necessarily. I’m only 27 I have my entire life to run.

Today I walked into the doctor’s surgery freaking out at how my GP would respond to my answer. You know what.. he wasn’t too bothered. In fact my GP advised that sticking at my medication is actually a sensible thing to do particularly when my husband and I are contemplating starting a family within the next couple of years. I walked out of the surgery relieved. What on earth was I worrying about? I decided to celebrate with a bottle of Evian water and a small saveloy dip.

For those who don’t know what a saveloy is it’s a mushier sausage which tastes very nice and is even nicer tossed in with a couple of other ingredients slapped together into a sandwich. People always wonder what the dip bit means.

The “dip” bit of the sandwich is basically pease pudding and stuffing dipped in meat juices. It probably sounds rather grim to those who haven’t munched on one of these delights however you probably have to be there to appreciate it. Let’s just say it’s a Northern thing.

I decided the best way to draw my attention away from the worries of anger and medication discussions was to not only explain my circumstances on my blog but to take up cookery.

So there I was a woman with a plan.

I tootled off to a supermarket debit card in hand and decided to buy some muffin tins, silicone moulds and some ingredients so I could make Sazzle’s chocolate chunk muffins for work tomorrow. Now I’m not the best chef in the world however if I do say so myself I do make rather delicious Yorkshire puddings from scratch. These Yorkshire puds look like miniature terraced houses they rise so high and have such a doughy texture in the middle. If all else fails with the muffins then I can be renowned for my terraced puds! Thanks to my online Pal Catrine her fail safe Yorky pud recipe guarantees perfect puds everytime.

Apart from the Saveloy (and a half of one of the muffins I made) I haven’t succumbed to temptation. During the day I’ve had a tasty homemade chicken curry with basmati rice, some soup (no bread), a couple of cups of coffee and umpteen amounts of water. No fizzy drinks have been gulped along with no chocolate which to me is uncalled for.

Exercise has taken a back seat today however intend to do my usual 70 sit ups, 50 squats and 50 leg raises each leg per day that’s on the basis I’m not doing my exercise DVD. Thinking of my jeans and hoping that come Summer I’ll be strutting my stuff in those jeans.

Getting back to the muffins. Oh lordy! I made two batches.

The first batch of muffins were flatter than a witches tit and didn’t go down well at all. The chocolate chunks were burnt and the smoke alarm went off. The cat was displeased with my efforts so decided to run outside kitty kat under his arm before chasing the snow and smirking at my feeble attempt. The profanities coming out of my mouth at the sheer mess I’d created was uncalled for however after a cup of coffee and a read of my fashion mag I jumped straight back in for another batch. I wasn’t going to be defeated by a fan assisted oven.

Round two. The mixture was right, I resisted licking the bowl so knew that may be a good sign (as I always lick the bowl) and waited. Sitting on the floor whilst shouting “Rise you bastards” at my oven wasn’t the best sentence to say however it must have done the trick because they had risen beautifully. Irrespective of the finished product looking like large holiday hats they tasted bloody marvellous and looked like they could have plonked on top of my head to protect me from the snow.

So the day was another tale of two halves, The worry and the downright funny.

Whilst eating my half of muffin I looked at my medication pack and thought that everyone at some stage has to make that decision to run away or to accept the cards you’re dealt. Today I was happy with the decision I’d made.

To conclude today made me aware of the challenges I have faced, are currently facing and will be coming up against in the future. Let’s just say I think I made the right decision. Sod medication worries I’ll stick to my muffin making for the time being. Whether it be life or cooking practice makes perfect.

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