A little time to think..

“When anger arises think of the consequences”- Confucius

Life isn’t always about marching full steam ahead walking a tightrope easily in a straight line. There’s always the possibility that you will fall off the rope and come crashing down on your face in front of a crowd of people. Why should we be afraid of falling? It’s not a biggie. In fact it’s perfectly normal to fall every now and again, have that hiccup or question why something wasn’t done to the best of your ability.

I am one who sympathises fully with people who put pressure on themselves to be the be all and end all to all men. The thing is is that over the past 48 hours I have had to give myself a good shake and take myself back to the very beginning. I have to start taking advice from my nearest and dearest and acknowledge that lessons must be learnt from this.

Sunday night was a nightmare, ironically it was a chore and I had brought on the majority of it myself with no answers as to why it had arisen.

My emotions were heightened on Sunday. I was all over the place and I had to get everything done right there and then. There was no going back and if anyone got in my way they would have got a tirade of verbal abuse. Me I have never been one to raise my hands to anyone or anything. I’m usually quite dippy however would like to think I talk sense from time to time. Sunday was a blur. I was teary and downright distressed.

Throughout my life I have been a person who wanted to be prepared and fulfilled with herself. When Epilepsy came into my life a part of the “old me” disappeared and reinvented herself into the person I am now. The content given through therapy made me see that Epilepsy wasn’t the focal point of my life and that the people (i.e. friends and family) were the people that kept me grounded and sane from the condition I feared the most.

Anger is something that I have allowed to take over when rough storms were ahead and I felt that the only way to be seen was to channel my frustration into myself. At times of frustration I can honestly say that I’m not at battle with the person in the room but with myself.

To stare at yourself in the mirror and take in the person you were for that slight moment is quite intimidating and can make you feel a former shadow of the person you are. Anger is a defence mechanism. This mechanism would come into practice as soon as a shake or seizure would form and I used it as a way of protecting myself.

Anger can be an awkward topic to chat about with others as everyone handles it in their own way. Some go silent, some fluster, some shout the roof down and some just write it down to alleviate the stress from their mind. I know in myself that I cannot afford to be stressed out all the time incase it helps contribute towards me having an attack. I have to just calm down.

With me (and maybe this could be partly down to my age) anger is more so like the angel and devil sitting on my shoulder. My body is telling me that I must remain calm and dignified. My brain however is telling me something entirely different and I have no definitive answers. I have questioned whether the therapy itself (as beneficial as it was) opened my eyes too much and made me question other people’s actions against my own, a little like the “why me” question you ask yourself when you’re diagnosed with a condition.

Please under no circumstance allow that to put you off seeing a councillor. I would recommend counselling (CBT) to all parties involved and would advise that they are without doubt one of the best support networks the medical profession can offer therefore take it when offered. What I’m writing is my thoughts and my thoughts alone. It’s not a representation of what counselling can do for you.

I would like to think of myself as a caring, happy go lucky character who would love nothing more than to take the stresses and strains away from the people I love and live the basic things that everyone wants for themselves (i.e. to be fit and healthy with no worries in life). As I’m getting older I’m drawing the conclusion that is physically impossible to think that way because everyone has problems in their life. Not everyone is carefree, everyone has a story to tell whether they chose to share it or not. It’s how they cope with that story differentiates them from everyone else.

As mentioned previously in the last post my condition has been on my mind more than usual. I don’t fear the seizures returning however maybe I am pre-empting what my emotions are going to be should they return.

I have spoken with relatives since Sunday and have decided to take my own advice for a change, something I’ve found over the years that I haven’t taken as much as I should have. Life is about you. It’s about who you are and what you represent. It’s about not piling the pressure on yourself and accepting you for you.

It’s about making decisions and taking responsibility for those actions.

Secondly it’s about being fit, healthy and maintaining that PMA (Positive mental attitude). I have reiterated this on so many posts however must refrain from the anger and put myself in the other person’s shoes. Is this a result of my medication? Probably however I intend to not let my medication win this battle. I must make this decision on my own because deep down I know I have literally nothing to worry about.


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