Life is but a daydream.

Epilepsy. A word that many frown at and others sympathise with. Epilepsy is a word that interacts you with the millions of other people across the world combating the same condition as you.

Just because you’re epileptic doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to put your life on hold or slam the brakes down when times get rocky. It’s about understanding who you are and accepting what you see. Whilst on my lunch break this afternoon I came across the saying:

Why combat yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.

Guess what? That is exactly what we should all be thinking when we feel troubled about something. Who on earth could do a better job at being me than me? You are unique in your own way. Does it matter if you have some insecurities in your life? Of course it doesn’t you’re only human.

People have stumbling blocks that they manage to climb. It can take a while to get there however we manage to do it.

Since being diagnosed with epilepsy I have been down a relatively rocky road however express myself in an entirely different way. Like the title of this blog this evening “Life is but a daydream” and that’s exactly what life has been like since Epilepsy entered my life. Earlier on in my blog I explained how everyone’s life is like a book. You start with a blank canvas and write your own chapters. When one chapter closes another one opens.

My book had been inconsistent however was an interesting read. Chapters included seizures, medication and the trials and tribulations epilepsy would bring. It does however have it’s plus points because I’m blessed to have such a wonderful family, husband and friends (including my twitter friends) who have given me hope and means to carry on. Would I change a thing? Part of me wants to say yes as everyone has regrets however a large percentage of me says no. The reason being is that if I changed my persona then I wouldn’t be me anymore.

Like groundhog day my weeks usually consist of going to work, having numerous mugs of coffee/tea before coming home to make the evening meal, watch the occasional film and blog with you guys. My husband and I have got into the habit of going to the cinema of a weekend and having an Italian’s along the road. My life is simple and that’s the way I like it. I have walked along a path of uncertainty for far too long and it’s about time that I was satisfied with my lot.

During the course of the day I have had the privilege of taking to my friend from the US who like me requires that additional boost as a kickstart to her day. Both her & I have been on medication for the long term and feel that this is having an adverse effect on our moodswings and concentration. I can associate with her fully and appreciate the times she’s going through. Like previous posts the questions surrounding the effectiveness of my medication can on occasion make me wonder whether the majority of my troubles are brought on solely by my medication.

Today is no exception. Fortunately I have managed to eat (for the majority of the day) rather healthily apportioning carbs, getting in my 5 a day and drinking the required 2 litres of water for healthy dewy skin. Apart from the excessive weeing I maintained a “food rhythm” and was in a cracking mood. Nothing was phasing me. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere I started to get really angry with myself and wonder whether a seizure was going to happen right there at work amongst all my papers. I couldn’t find something specific in my handbag and I was fretting beyond belief.

The fear took over and the old me returned for all of an hour. From going into a cheerful person to someone who had to leave the room took me by surprise. It was a pure Jekyll & Hyde moment and I wasn’t too thrilled about it. What was coming over me? Why was I worrying about my seizures again? Was it me having a bad day or was it because I wasn’t worrying about anything?

Words cannot describe the feeling of the day.

I wasn’t the Saz I know. I was someone else, I do this from time to time and have no recollection why. Everyone and everything pissed me off in that hour. I felt like my head was spinning all over the place however my body was remaining still. I didn’t think for one second that the shakes would come however had this burning sensation that today would be the day my seizures would return. Within minutes I was on the phone to my mam questioning my judgement and requiring assurance from her. It was like a kick in the teeth. It was like the old me.

Shortly after the attack happened I sat down, drank a glass of water and started to think logically. So what if I couldn’t find what I needed in my handbag? Why was I getting all chewed over something so trivial? Why does my head go ninety to the dozen however the rest of me remains calm? Once I answered those questions I resumed with the rest of my day like nothing had happened. Strange but true.

Irrespective of me going to therapy and tackling my worries there is always the odd day where you will snap back into old ways. Is the daydream actually your reality or is it your way of coping? At times like these an old saying comes into my head “You cannot be everything to all men” and you really cannot. You have to take yourself on face value, do one thing at a time and allow your body at that moment in time to take you where it needs to be taken.

Remember there’s only one of you and you have to take each day as it comes. Today wasn’t the best day however I have learned something today. If I was perfect then I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this blog I would probably be sitting on a veranda somewhere drinking champagne floats and expecting everyone to kiss my arse however I’m none of the above.

I’m a woman with a condition and have come a long way since 1993 when Epilepsy introduced itself to me. I’m a woman who gets anxious from time to time however I’m a person who wants to help others more importantly herself. I’m on my road to achieving that. I have the base now I need to continue walking as normal instead of looking for problems; when will I fully get there who knows however in the meantime I will just have to accept what comes my way and continue writing as normal.

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