The little things.

A stumbling block to the pessimist is a stepping stone to the optimist – Eleanor Roosevelt.

Let’s start this evening with a question. Are you an optimist or a pessimist or are we both? When combined does being a pessimistic optimist make us a realist? My relatives seem to think the latter of the three is the best solution this way you cannot be disappointed should the worst happen. I like to think I’m an optimist. I try to be optimistic at all times even on those bad days when you think you’re day’s never going to get better.

Everyday I think what Epilepsy does to your psyche and how it can push you in a way you never thought you could be pushed. It makes you realise that unfortunately the smallest things others take for granted we have to endure. Maybe it’s wrong of me to think this way however this is someone who’s always worse than you.

This evening I returned home from work to watch a documentary about a young boy with no legs. My initial reaction was “Aw bless him” however he was smiling and laughing away with his family with not a care in the world. To think this young lad had his mobility snatched from him at a tender age made me well up and cry excessively. When it comes to watching documentaries I break down at the drop of a hat and appreciate that you have to grasp life with both hands and live it the best way you possibly can.

Although we have support by the medical profession there is still this empowerment to sustain your positive thoughts and channel them into your life whether that be into your family, career or just you. You must maintain that “can do” instead of the “won’t do”. You can’t do everything yesterday; leave some goals for tomorrow and the day after.

The topic of medication was discussed last night amongst some of my followers. It came as a eye opener to see that there appears to be a clear indicator that my medication could be the root cause of my mood swings, forgetfulness, anxiety and motivation loss. Throughout the years I thought that it was down to my lack of academic skills however I appear I may be wrong on this one. If that’s the case then get in I’m not as dopey as I thought!

On a more serious note I do question why I get no aura before a seizure happens and why I’m always looking behind my shoulder on the off chance a seizure may return. As the years have progressed I can see that being pessimistic wasn’t getting me anywhere; in fact it made me somebody I didn’t like being around. Crying didn’t resolve the issue. The crying may release the anger however gave me a throbbing headache after. Oh no.

Although the medication dosage I’m currently on isn’t causing any real distress it doesn’t help matters when I constantly need supervision to do the smallest things like soaking in the bath, making a cup of coffee or ironing my husband’s clothes for work the next day. Any can result in drowning or scolding myself should a seizure occur.

Do any of you ever get the aura? Do any of you not experience any warning signs before convulsing/shaking? If so please let me know.

What frustrates me the most is that I’m constantly on alert subconsciously waiting for something to happen. Why can’t I be allowed to just have that relaxing bath of an evening while my husband’s watching football downstairs? Why can’t I not just bathe upstairs on my own without having people shout “Are you ok up there?”

Let’s just say because my mother and I have been down that road and it wasn’t a pretty site. Let me explain.

Shortly after I returned home from University I had the mishap of having a seizure in the bath. The seizures were back and in full force and my mam had the unfortunate experience of saving her child from drowning. Now research states that you can drown in about 2 inches of water. How realistic that specification is I’m unsure however it does frighten me to high heaven to think that this could potentially happen.

This very afternoon I made the decision to have a mid afternoon bubble bath. I had spent an absolute fortune on smellies (bubble bath, girly treats etc) and decided a pamper session alone would cure my headache. So there I was singing some 1980’s classic before then convulsing in the bath and being pulled out by my mam and her ex partner.

I don’t know what feared me the most the fact I could have drowned or the horrific site of my mam’s ex partner seeing me naked fitting in the bath. When you’re a teenager the embarrassment overwhelms you, it did in my case however after I pulled round I managed to have the conversation (like I had with so many others before him) about what he’d just saw and how this seizure actually effected him.

Mam put on a brave face that day.

She cried for I don’t know how long, my heart went out to her and I was heartbroken to have put her under that strain. I don’t think either my mam or I thought I could ever fit in the bath. I only ran a small amount of water so what was the big deal? The big deal was that my mam thought she could have lost me. I can’t imagine what my mam’s emotions were like on that day. Looking back maybe the “Be carefuls” and the watching over me doesn’t seem so bad for what she had to sacrifice.

Behind my mother was infinite power and elusive strength. Maybe all parents are like that. Even at 27 I still have the urge to say that my parents are “invincible” and can “always put right what went wrong” maybe that’s the inner child in me never wanting me to let go of the parents who have given me the tools of the trade. They are the people who guided me when I have been at my lowest and the people who have contributed into making me the woman I am today.

Tomorrow the discussion about socialising and having epilepsy will be a key factor. Anxiety can take over when you least expect it and it’s a nightmare to get rid of when you desperately want to..

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