I’m now on my own.

“Change your thought and you can change your world”- Norman Peale

Have you ever thought that by changing your thought pattern can actually benefit your wellbeing? Does that thought come as second nature to you or not? Are you someone who analyses your life so much that you actually think your life is something that it isn’t? Can you ever be content with who you are and what you represent or are you always striving for more?

The mind is complex. It makes you think thoughts you never dreamt were possible. Happy thoughts make you stand out from the crowd. Negative thoughts just make you feel like shit. There comes a point in everyone’s life where you just have to accept that everyone makes mistakes and as long as you acknowledge those mistakes and learn from them then that’s all they are. Mistakes.

Originally I looked at Epilepsy as one big mistake, something that had entered my life without my consent and I wasn’t overly pleased about it. I kept on thinking it was a dream and that when I woke up it would have disappeared. For over 19 years I was like a sinking ship trying to tread above water and not allow the tiredness and the worry to take over. I was sinking so fast I didn’t know how to get back up until therapy came along and made me see sense.

My thoughts were now my own and not the ideas given by my therapists. Although I come across on occasion as having that confident personality and a rather stupid sense of humour deep down I’m a person who is passionate about the people she loves, about remaining well and to have the motivation to carry on and be strong. Epilepsy to me is a bit like going into battle only the battle is not with your condition it’s actually with yourself.

With a condition such as mine some days you have that glimmer of hope and others you are kicking yourself in the arse over something you cannot control. That’s just the way life is. I have come to accept that even without a condition people have these thoughts, the only difference being is is that their pitfalls are with something else.

I sometimes see people walking along with the street who look like they don’t have a care in the world and used to question where I was going wrong. How do I actually know that they aren’t worrying about similar things? Sometimes people look like they have “the life” however that couldn’t be any further from the truth. Everyone has problems.

Life is about being motivated. Baby steps are required in order to succeed. People automatically think that you have to jump in feet first in order to crack any challenge/situation however that isn’t entirely true. Let’s use my shakes as an example. Eight years ago the shakes came out of nowhere. I wracked my brain (and everyone else’s for that matter) for over 7 years to determine what the shakes were. As mentioned in previous posts I even drew my own conclusion. The doctors knew it was associated with my medication however didn’t have a name for it hence me calling them “My shaky bouts”

The shakes were out of control, like the seizures I had no warning sign and the severity altered on numerous occasions. There was no pattern emerging with my shakes. No medication expert could capture my shakes on a polygraph test or through a scan.

Let’s just say it was just me trembling and anxious all in one. Upon contact the shakes made me feel weak and disappointed in myself. I would analyse life so much during my episodes that I would question whether I would be allowed to have a life as these pretty much took over. My medication has played a significant role in the shakes and it got to a point prior to therapy that I didn’t want to live like this anymore.

Nowadays when I have a shake I stop what I’m doing remove myself from the situation and let nature take it’s course. I have learnt to accept that life isn’t mapped out for you. It may be written for you however the way you approach the situation is key. With this situation I just stop for a second, focus on someone or something and allow my body to do what it has to do. I know in my heart that the shaking will stop (as it always does) and if I had a toss up between shaking every few days or having a seizure shaking would come first every time.

Doctors have questioned altering my medication and removing me from Keppra altogether the only downside being is that you may stop the shakes however there’s a greater possibility of the seizures returning. To be honest I would rather use holistic techniques than alter my medication over and over again. Personally speaking unless you are convulsing regularly or have worsened side effects from your medication then it’s not healthy to keep tampering with it unless the doctor can see something that requires urgent attention.

Following my therapy session I questioned whether I was capable of being positive without the help of Bob or my family. My family could see my will to win and were constantly questioning my wellbeing as families do. Everyday felt like a new chapter. I wanted to exercise more, I wanted to go to new places and see more of the world. I wanted to enjoy learning who Sazzle was and put all the bullshit from my past behind me. The trying to be someone I wasn’t was slipping away and it felt like a weight of my shoulders.

The mental battle to be positive daily is something everyone does to an extent. Consciously it may not even enter your head however subconsciously you are trying to be positive and that’s not a bad thing.

I took into account everything Bob had said in our meetings and remembered that there was only one Sazzle out there. The world could only cope with one of me and even when you fall as long as you can get back up, laugh at yourself and don’t take life too seriously then you can be on par with your condition and ultimately you can be happy.

I’ve repeatedly said two things in this blog that my mam has mentioned in the past. The first is that “There’s never a problem that cannot be solved” and the second is “I may never grow out of my epilepsy however I will grow into my life”. I say that to myself when feeling low that everyone has regrets, everyone has achievements and everyone is allowed to be loved.

Maybe as people we analyse things too much. We expect too much from life however as long as we have happiness then what more do you need?

I’m getting there. I’m not where I want to be just yet however I am accepting that Sazzle and her Epilepsy don’t have to be at war with one another. So I shake and convulse, so what. I take medication. Great and? I worry at times… I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t fretting about something. Life is about having a blast and that’s what I intend to do for as long as I can.

Now I am starting to accept who I am however wish to write about what other things make me tick when it comes to Epilepsy. This blog is not written solely to document my story it’s about giving you a daily update of my concerns and the concerns of other people with the same condition as me. I intend to discuss about topics people are afraid to write incase people view them in a different light.

What people endure when their condition is involved is beyond comprehension, the simple things need to be explained to people who don’t fully understand. Epilepsy awareness is key and we as a group need to show others what we are made of and what changes we have to make to make our own lives easier.

One final saying from me… Let’s do this. Say no to worry and yes to cake (low fat that is). xx


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