Goodbye Bob. Hello me.

The final session came ever so quickly and I was gutted at the fact Bob’s sessions were drawing a close as I truly felt that I’d made a friend.

The final day I met Bob was an emotional day. Maybe it was because Bob had become my crutch to lean on and to express my thoughts to for the past few weeks. He was on a different level to everyone else as he was outside of the box. Bob was a man who was precise and to the point. Bob and I had created this bond in which our sessions would consist of me having a power rant and him trying to resolve the issue with advice and a healing technique.

One thing that was apparent was that although Bob could dish the advice I had to draw the conclusion. He was never one to tell me the answer and allow me to walk away without learning something new. That is one of the greatest thing therapy can provide. Therapy can make you walk into a room nervous however when you walk out you feel elated and eager to try the advice you have just been given. That’s on the basis you want to.

Bob and I had the opportunity to reflect on the Sazzle who walked into therapy six weeks previous to the woman she was now and you know what the changes were amazing. Originally I hadn’t recognised the changes I was making however Bob said the breakthrough was phenomenal. The Sazzle I was when the therapy commenced thought she was confident however was also cautious. She was hiding behind her condition and was reluctant to try anything new. She would cry as soon as the word “Epilepsy” was discussed and was a jibbering wreck at the topic of tackling the condition there and then.

He compared the old me with the new me. The new me being a young woman who was coming to terms with the condition she was diagnosed with, the acceptance of the medication she was taking and the realisation that my epilepsy meant more to me than just seizures and shaky bouts.

Epilepsy had transformed my life in two ways. The most obvious was the seizures/shakes and the worry surrounding where and when those would take place along with the medication taking. The other is the changes I have made to not only help my condition but to actually aid my life. The simple things like not putting myself in danger and knowing when to say no is actually more commendable than following everyone else’s lead like I used to. I may never have acted that way if Epilepsy hadn’t came into my life.

I made the decision at any early age that if my medication was going to work properly then I would have to look after myself and ensure I ate correctly, exercised regularly and laughed continuously. On occasion this wouldn’t happen; I would be a person who would be worrying about nothing. I would become introverted and I would analyse whether Epilepsy would dominate my life so much that I couldn’t live it the way I wanted. Bob showed me that I could juggle both.

During my last appointment with Bob I felt a sense of accomplishment that Bob was happy to share with some of his other clients. He told me that if you wanted to change then you could. To hear Bob complimenting me and empathising with my condition was refreshing. To acknowledge my progress with others made me see the changes I was making and that made me wonder how I could help others when it comes to anxiety and assisting others who have Epilepsy in their lives.

I browsed though the notes Bob had written throughout our therapy sessions and evaluated our discussion topics. Happy tears were shed. They were tears of joy as I had finally accepted the one thing I had run away from for so long that being my Epilepsy.

Although I had been seizure free for three years up to this point the worry of fitting was still something at the forefront of my mind. It still is to a degree and no matter how much therapy or wise words are given that will always remain. Don’t get me wrong I will still have my moments of panic however I could see the panic wasn’t as bad as it once was. Do I put this way of thinking down to age? Possibly. Do I accept that therapy/CBT helped? Most definitely.

Bob shook my hand, thanked me for being a model pupil and wished me well. Keep your head held high at all times.

I laughed at the thought of being called a model pupil as I had never perceived myself to ever be one of those. Bob could see the drive in me to succeed and I was overjoyed that I never let him down and accepted failure after that first appointment when he made me cry. I accepted that Bob hit a raw nerve and by me crying this was his way of making me think.

Bob gave me one final piece of advice before he left.

“Never be anyone else, just focus on being you and you’ll be alright, Allow Sazzle to be Sazzle. Never forget who you are”

As Bob always was, he was right. I wasn’t the same girl I was at 8 years old. I was a young woman, a woman with responsibilities. I didn’t wanna crumble anymore so it was about time to say hello to me and to leave the old me behind. Could I do it? Let’s wait and see…

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