Right there you have it the thank you’s have been well and truly dished out and I am feeling so much better! Now back to the nitty gritty.
Bob and I were rearing the end of our therapy sessions and I was getting that same feeling as I did with CBT. The idea of Bob not giving me his weekly lectures was starting to make me wary as to what the remainder of my life would hold and whether I could practice his techniques at home and merge it into everyday life.
Bob was like a sponge he taken into consideration everything I had to say and soaked up all the information I gave him. He then implemented my insecurities into awareness sessions that would give me the tools of the trade. It would be those tools that would guide me on.
Whilst Bob was running through these sessions he would always come out with some motivational quote that would keep me guessing till the end of the session. He told me that if you conjure all quotes and place them into your diary they will always guide you in good stead for when you are having an off day.
The quote of this therapy session was:
“It is hard to fail but it is worse never have tried to succeed”- Theodore Roosevelt.
Those words were etched into my mind throughout the session and made me empathise with others. Epilepsy was a place where I had hid for so long. I was always worrying about failing, about letting the side down whether that be with family, friends, work but more importantly myself. Some people think their life is one big failure.
I felt that way when I originally returned from University and every time a seizure/shake came. I would assume that it was something that I had concocted in my own head that would have “set me off” and make me worry.
Bob had tackled the frustration surrounding supposed friends, epilepsy struggles and anxiety however there was one thing that he couldn’t remove entirely from my life; that being my medication.
The word medication is something that you get into the routine of taking. As I have mentioned in previous posts medication is the one thing that can prevent a seizure from happening. The downside being is it can take a bloody long time to find the right medication for you. Medication was a chore in my life. Although it became the norm the monotony of remembering to take it morning, noon and night along with everything else such as my cod liver oil tablets, inhalers, was infuriating.
Doctors make it a point to throw medication at you at the hope that your fits will miraculously disappear. Instead of providing you with additional support and breathing techniques they feel that enhancing your medication dosage will make everything better. Unfortunately doctor that doesn’t necessarily happen. For every pill you take makes you feel lethargic and sick with lack of motivation on occasion. Sometimes it’s the mental hurdle of getting over that fence that gets you through the day.
Bob encouraged me to exercise more, it might make up for the amount of talking I did in these sessions, his wording (not mine) was that I could talk for England. Aye ok then Bob- Funny bugger!
Bob questioned my dislike in taking medication. Now I am going to be honest here I friggin hate taking tablets particularly anything that doesn’t have a sugar coating. They get stuck halfway down my throat and I have a tendency to sound like I am heckling and vomiting at the same time. At present I am on 1250mg of Keppra. I was previously on 3000mg.
Now I know what I am going to say next may make me sound pathetic however I asked the doctor give me larger tablets instead of taking the smaller nasty tablets that got stuck in my throat. What a bloody wuss!
Anyhow Bob could see that medication would piss me off. There’s nothing worse than walking into a pharmacy with a list of medication as long as your arm. Part of me feels that rather foolish with a carrier bag of medication under my arm. I look like I have raided the place. Epilepsy medication, inhalers and the list continues.
Although the medication was a chore I realised that it had become my safety blanket. It was the net that I would fall on everytime I felt that bit low. It was the one thing I couldn’t afford to not take. If I didn’t take my medication the anxiety would get the better of me and the emphasis of whether a seizure would come would take over. Bob could see my worries and address them immediately in this session.
Bob and I completed an exercise in which he removed my medication from the side where I left it. He asked that I leave the room and look around to see if anything was missing. Automatically my eyes veered towards the table where I left my medication. Straight away I asked where he hid it. It scared me.
“Bob give me back my medication” it was like someone who had a drug addiction. I was shouting at Bob like some mad woman. What was I turning into? So he took my medication off me for five minutes, big deal. Bob addressed my fears with me advising that although it’s a necessity to take my medication life is actually more than just medication.
Throughout this session Bob and I felt like we were at one with one another. Apart from the medication shouting tirade I was in a place where I felt comfortable. Bob could see the changes I was making and the fact that I was prepared to accept that no ones perfect. So what if I have a condition? Does this make me a bad person? Of course it doesn’t. Life is full of struggles it’s how you cope with those struggles that people notice the most.
Before I left Bob asked what I was thinking and how I felt after our weekly sessions. I said to Bob that I was rearing towards my goal of self acceptance.
I wanted to be caring about the people I loved and carefree about everything else including my Epilepsy. My Epilepsy would be here to stay however I needed to get on with enjoying life. I was sick of making excuses as to why I couldn’t do things. So what if I make an error every now and again. Life is to short to ponder. It’s about living not making excuses therefore I might as well take my medication and get on with it.