“To have a good friend is one of the greatest delights in life”- Ralph Waldo Emerson.
This is so right. To share your ups and downs with a friend is vital. Writing this is quite difficult for me so please bare with me. It’s taken a long time to say it.
At present I have a handful of people that I can genuinely call my friends. People may ask why I write this post because this may have nothing to do with Epilepsy awareness. I feel that it is an essential to do so as this is one of the issues that has aided my recovery and allowed me to find the right people to promote epilepsy awareness to.
My friends are those that are prepared to stand by me through thick and thin and are prepared to give me an honest answer when I don’t necessarily want to hear it. It’s those friends that want to be there and aren’t just causing trouble to make themselves the forefront of your life.
Like my family my friends that I currently have are the ones who want to see me succeed and want what’s best for me as I do them. The love I receive from my friends is one that cannot be destroyed and is one that I will treasure for the rest of my life.
Anyone heard the popular saying;
“Keep your friends close but your enemies closer”- The Godfather Part 2.
So have a million others. I think it’s so true.
Maybe it’s because for the majority of my life I have constantly had battles with myself as to who my genuine friends are. No matter how carefully your choose your words they always end up getting twisted by others. I was always one who never differentiated between the two. It was only when I went to therapy that my eyes were well and truly opened.
Bob had tested my strength as far as my Epilepsy was concerned. He had placed me in a room with four chairs to which I had to let go of my past and focus on my present. This was a present issue.
So far I had written a plethora of words to describe my love and hatred towards my condition and I had managed to explain to my therapist that I allowed worry to take over my life to the point where I didn’t realise who I was anymore. I had been challenged however Bob hadn’t managed to tackle every aspect of my life. We had only had three sessions so far; Bob knew enough about me to gage an understanding of my worries however our cards weren’t fully laid on the table.
This session was one that funnily enough would make me see that being popular isn’t always necessarily the best option.
As a child I have always been someone who would do anything for anyone much to the dismay of my parents who could see that on occasion I was only hurting myself by running after them.
I was under the assumption that your school friends or the people you thought were your “best friends” would remain that way for the rest of your life as you knew them the longest. How wrong was I to presume that this would be the case. To some it may be however I think differently.
I am not saying I am perfect by any stretch of the imagination however if I see someone I care for in need then I have an urge to help.
I usually drop everything I’m doing to tend to that person to ensure their safety and wellbeing is ok. My mother always said there is never a problem that cannot be solved and I was that person who tried her utmost to solve everyone’s problems. Maybe I did this to deviate from my own condition; something I wasn’t prepared to resolve fully until now.
Bob asked my friends involvement in my seizures to which I replied only a handful ever bothered their arse to check that I was ok. Some friends asked me and brushed it off like it was dirt on their shoe, others were prepared to listen. I appreciate that people have their own lives to lead however I was showing a keen interest in theirs and to them my problems weren’t a patch on theirs.
Bob asked why I wanted to be so popular so badly. Why did I need so many friends?Was it because I wanted to be liked by others or was it incase I took ill there would be people around me to assist?
I responded by saying that I wanted people to care. I wanted them to care about me as I did for them. I wanted to be the person they could come to and vice versa. Bob held his head down and said the following:
You will never be liked by everyone. There will be people that may be jealous and there may be people who do not understand your passion for life. Everyone is different and that’s normal. You should never go out of your way to please anyone and you sure as hell need to make yourself number one priority.
Bob was right.
My health and wellbeing should come first along with the love of my family and the little friends I had. Why did I need to be Mrs Popular?
Yes it’s brilliant to have friends who see you every now and again however if they don’t show you attention again is it really the be all and end all? Are these friends going to be worrying about me all the time? Of course they aren’t and that’s understandable.
Bob could see that the word “friend” was something I was trying so hard to be to so many people. Why was I going all out to make others like me? Is that desperate? Of course it is and on occasion that was what I was doing. I was walking on egg shells with some friends for no apparent reason going all out for nothing in return. The friends I have now are prepared to meet me in the middle. They care and that’s the most important.
I was one to assist at all costs. To this day I like to chat with others and form new friendships. I think it’s lovely to be able to associate with others that have similar attributes to you. Some people that I have met on here have children, others live outside of the UK and others just want a chat and that’s fine by me.
I feel that I maybe have more twitter friends on here than I do at home. People may perceive that as not being true friendships however we would have to agree to disagree. We all have something in common. We all want to raise epilepsy awareness.
Bob asked that I jot down what the word friend and what this means to me. My response to him was that a friend is there for you when the going gets tough. They don’t bail when times are low. They love you for you.
Whilst writing this I could see that my views on friendship were changing. Bob’s words were getting through. Friendships aren’t all the same they are different. If people don’t like you then fuck them they aren’t worth your tears? My health is more important than somebody who wants to talk behind my back. You can never prevent that from happening. People talk. I have myself when someone has wound me up.
You have only one life and I couldn’t be bothered with all the dead wood hanging around. It’s not worth it.
Bob couldn’t help but question why I was putting myself in the firing line. So what if someone doesn’t text me? If my true friends aren’t in contact is that necessarily a bad thing? Of course not. Let go of the insecurity because we can always chat later. It’s not a problem.
To this day my consultants and I believe that stress is a potential trigger to my seizures. My shakes are an entirely different entity however they too can sense when I am anxious. So one of the requirements to aid my condition. Stop panicking!
It was about time to change. If you don’t like me then that’s fine. Let go of your past and focus on your present.
My present was that I had everything to live for. I was seizure free and needed that wake up call. Bob was giving me that wake up call.
What is the worst that can happen? If people don’t like you then tough. Focus on you and you will be just fine.
To all my best friends thank you and to all of my twitter followers thank you for your support. Keep chatting 🙂