What is worse? The seizure or the fear of the unknown? That question is a one I was asked frequently since I was diagnosed. My answer; The fear of the unknown everytime.
The seizures are over in minutes, the shaky bouts in a couple of hours however the fear of the unknown is a hard thing to stomach. You can literally control every aspect of your life however when it comes to epilepsy you have no control. Whether you be a friend, relative or whether you are the person it’s happening to the seizures do what they please as do the shakes.
Weird as this sounds it’s maybe the seizures way of communicating with you. The only way they can show you that they haven’t gone entirely is by making their feelings known. To everyone else it’s upsetting but to them it’s perfectly normal.
We judge fitting as a horrendous thing as we have a splitting headache afterwards and your body feels so weak that you wanna just sleep for a thousand years, however that’s maybe not the way they see it. It’s their way of saying that they care. It’s a shame they couldn’t do it with a little less force.
Let’s go into this post with another quote.
“If you keep going through hell, keep going” – Winston Churchill.
And that’s what my husband and I were facing with my epilepsy.
Bet you good old Winny was thinking the same when he was faced with war. Did he roll over and cave in? Of course he didn’t he kept going and that was exactly what we all must do whatever situation crops up.
So you have a nasty fall so what must you do? You stare in the face of danger, you get up and move on and you do it with class. Show them who’s boss!
You do it with a massive smile on your face. Laugh in the face of danger. Whether you have medication in your back pocket weighing you down never and I mean never allow anyone or anything to get in your way. Do your best. That’s all anyone asks.
Family conquer that same fear however they have to laugh for that person when that individual doesn’t have the strength to smile themselves. Worry creeps in however they know that without the will then there would be no way. You might as well accept defeat right there.
For some that is extremely hard as how can you smile at something you are afraid of? What else are you going to do? Are you going to lock yourself in a bedroom afraid to face the big wide world? Of course you shouldn’t. Life is what you make it and without goals and aspirations you have nothing.
It’s a shame I didn’t feel this very same way five years ago when I moved out. I wanted that life with my partner however having the seizure in front of him wasn’t what I envisaged.
I was in a position where life was moving forward however I wasn’t embracing life with both hands. I was happy but I wasn’t fully fulfilled. I was a worrier. I didn’t have that laid back attitude that most people my age had. One minute I was bubbly and vivacious and the next minute I was in this angry worried frame of mind with no explanation as to why I felt that way.
My partner used to question whether the anger was a side effect of the medication or whether I was just a moody bitch. To be honest I think it was a bit of both.
At times I didn’t notice I was angry until it turned into a slanging match that I wasn’t having with my husband but with myself. I was sick of taking medication and it was pissing me off. Couldn’t I for once just lead a life without medication again? Just that one day.
Was this a result of my medication or is this what I had turned into?
The day I had a seizure in front of my husband was a turning block for both of us. We both learnt something new about one another. He had never been put in that life changing position before and I had with so many others. When someone new watches you have an attack you feel like once you have recovered that you need to keep asking how they are as they have had the misfortune of watching that episode.
My husband always assumed my epilepsy was down to stress because everytime I got myself a little anxious about something the headaches would come. The seizures/shaky bouts didn’t necessarily beckon but my personality would change.
My partner and I were in a place where for weeks we would be on edge with one another guessing what the next person had to say, it was a matter of time before the pair of us had to face facts and relive that experience so we could move on from it. And so we did just that. Tears were shed and emotions ran high however afterwards we let out a massive sigh, had a cuddle and ordered a chinese.
As many would say “There’s no use crying over spilt milk” and that’s what we had to consider.
It didn’t make me feel any better my partner watching that however what’s done was done. The show must go on.
The smiles were back and we were back to normal again. My husband wanted to know the ins and outs of my condition and asked so many questions to which I wasn’t reluctant to answer this time round.
I ran through my medication showing him what meds I took, what routine I followed and what symptoms I had. My husband saw my shakes regularly and to my dismay would drop everything to tend to me when I was unwell. Although it was a lovely gesture it used to infuriate me.
The frustration of not being able to do things on your own is one of my bug bares however as the years have went on I have progressively got better and appreciate that I can’t always do things on my own. I do need help and that’s not a bad thing.
The not being able to cook until he was home, the not being able to iron incase I had a seizure and burnt myself or the taking a bath on my own just incase would make me upset. It’s what people take for granted however people who have no warning signs the simplest things have to be changed to accommodate the condition.
Shortly after the seizure my partner and I were nestled in and we enjoyed those first few months together.
Christmas arrived along with an engagement ring. Here’s me just came out the shower to an engagement ring at 6am on Christmas morning. Words could not describe how I felt my other half popping the question however the more I look back the more I think that I looked a right mess. My hair was all over the place and I was standing there freezing with a dressing gown on on the top landing.
“Yes of course I’ll marry you” I said to a partner bent down on one knee with a cheeky grin on his face.
“Aye well hurry up we need to get dressed so we can go to your mothers, I’m starving”. Marvellous eh? We just got engaged and he was thinking about his stomach along with the scary feeling of telling our parents that we were getting engaged after only 8 months together.
After Christmas 2008 another dilemna came that was bigger than the first. This time I wasn’t stressed about the house because we were settled. Work was fine and our relationship was perfect. My medication wasn’t giving me any unnecessary concerns. Everything was as well as it could be.
Christmas was over and we were entering a new year. Throughout 2008 I kept on thinking that 2009 was going to be different. We had love in our lives and I was on some road to acceptance. Unfortunately 2009 had to start off with a bang. Roll on round two..