Home is where the heart is.

Approximately a year ago I purchased an accessory with the words “Home is where the heart is” and I have found this to be very true.

Home is where you go to when you want that cooked meal or when you need that little bit of comfort. Whether you live with your parents, with a partner or on your own it is somewhere that gives you that warm feeling the moment you step through the door.

Settling in a home is fabulous but buying a house is a stressful event.

It’s a point in your life where you feel like an adult. Even though I was 23 years of age I still felt like I shouldn’t have been buying a house. That’s something your parents do not me. Strange that isn’t it? You never think that you would be the one buying a house, or getting married or having kids. I was in my early twenties however felt like a teenager. A lost one at that.

The children of today make me laugh. I like a lot of other children took full opportunity of their mother cooking, ironing, and tidying my bedroom. The only thing I was repsonsible for was making sure my homework was completed on time and ensuring my bed was made every morning before school. Great eh?

We joke on now my mother and I about children’s ways. My mother loved it. She’s lost now I’ve moved out. The house is more peaceful but that’s about it.

Oh how the old habits had to change when I moved out… Talk about a wake up call!!

My mind was overloaded with the stress of reality.

Mortgages and discussing our property with financial advisers became an everyday occurance. Like everyone branching out on their own the usual concerns crept in.

How on earth we were going to find a substantial amount to keep this roof over our heads? What if we split up what would would happen? We had our parents blessing but we wanted the independence without feeling our parents were funding our pride and joy.

How the hell was sorting out this house gonna have an impact on my condition? Would it make it worse than what it already was? I kept on thinking that because my entire being was focused on our home that I would become unwell at any time. The stress was unbelievable. I felt at times like my head was going to explode.

In our case we had just bought our first house. Now all we needed to do was make it a home. How were we gonna christen this place? With a glass of bubbly? Nope. I could go one better..

The day we got the keys to our home was an unbelievable day.

The enjoyment of pulling up to a property with the “Sold sign” on the front lawn was brilliant.

Sold.. Yep and that’s ours! Woo hoo!

Every day until that sign got taken down would make me get all nervous and excited all in the same breath. I was overjoyed at the idea that new memories were going to be made and I was praying that they were going to be happy ones.

“Bring it on” I shouted at the top of my lungs to my husband when we got the keys.

We couldn’t believe it. It was a base with no furniture in it but we didn’t care. It was ours and we were ecstatic.

We had both managed to take two weeks off work and we were adament that we wanted to be settled in straight away. Our parents had arranged for a painter & decorator to give our rooms a lick of paint, my uncle ensured we had appropriate storage and we were left to pay for the rest.

My partner had quite an in depth conversation with my mam who not only was concerned for me because I couldn’t iron a bloody thing but she was worried about my condition and where my partner slotted into that equation. She explained to him what proceedure he needed to follow should the inevitable happen.

My husband had a great deal to digest however he took it all in. My hat goes off to him for what he had to listen to. If I was him I would have ran a mile maybe however he took it on the chin and was intent of getting our new life together right first time. We would make the best with that we had. What a gent!

The day eventually came when that excitement would turn into full blown anxiety. Our relationship would be put into a position that has challenged us since. My husband would have to withdraw that advice my mother gave him sooner than he thought. Let’s go back in time..

My husband and I had come to the house to start tidying up and to prepare for our double bed arriving. It was a long day and we were tired from the previous week’s events. Our ritual consisted of getting up at 6am, my partner driving 12 miles to pick me up before we went to the house. He would then drop me off at my mams before doing a further 12 miles back to his parents.

That week was the same ritual, day in day out. It was like bloody groundhog day.

If I saw another slice of bread I think I would have screamed as this was what we lived on for the two weeks preperation time. Toast, soup and stottie, sandwiches and the odd bowl of cereal. We couldn’t afford to buy McDonalds everyday so bread had to do.

I remember my partner saying that he would treat himself by ordering a pizza from the local takeaway. I on the other hand was in the process of doing a little light exercise before the delivery driver arrived. I remember my partner taking his first mouthful of pizza and that’s it…

Hello Epilepsy! Why don’t you meet my partner.. You seem to have met everyone else.

The first memory I have of that lapse is sitting upright on the bathroom floor, my head over the toilet bowl with my husband and my father in law standing on the top landing. They looked like they had seen a ghost.

My partner’s face was drawn and his body shaking. He ran over to me asking if I was feeling ok. He had that glazed look in his eyes like he was going to cry at any moment. I have never known anyone hug me so tight.

I thought you were dying.. and I couldn’t stop it… and I couldn’t help you… and I was petrified. You went blue and you stopped breathing. I was powerless to stop it and I was scared.

Those were the very words I remember from that attack. Those words will stay with me until I’m old and grey. We can laugh about it now however I will never forget that moment. That look on his face. That fear that I was gone and that he was alone experiencing this on his own.

I couldn’t apologise enough to him even though it wasn’t my fault. We wrapped our arms round one another and headed to my in laws for some relaxation. I needed some sleep.

The headache I had was excrusiating and my partner was a complete mess. He held my hand for the entire car journey and the bollocking he gave the bed company for not delivering our item on time was the icing on the cake.

I presumed that seizure would cause strain on our relationship. I presumed wrong, it brought us closer together. Whilst at my mother in laws I watched my husband have his eyes fixated on me the whole night. He watched me sleep. Every movement I made he was there awake asking if I was alright.

Those two weeks of 2008 were ones that will never leave me. In fact those two weeks made us stronger.

That seizure I put down to buying our new home. Although I was mortified at the fact my partner had watched my condition take hold I knew that now he had seen one then that feeling of the “How long will it be since till he sees that first attack” disappeared.

I have been informed by him that it gets easier as time goes on. Your feelings somehow take a back seat when one does arrive because you have to take the initative. To him the seizures are all the same. They all left him powerless. The thought of knowing that it will be over soon is the main thought that enters his mind.

Following that incident our lives would change overnight.

We were adults as we had adult scenarios to deal with. My partner became an adult overnight.

He was my rock and my everything. He showed me that home was where the heart is. He also showed me that buying that new house would be yet another chapter in my book that we could both look back and say that although it was a disturbing event it was definitely an interesting one..


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