Do you ever feel at times that you are constantly running and never get the opportunity to stand still?
Do you feel in the back of your mind that you have forgotten something?
I know we live in world where people have an opinion. People want everything yesterday and not tomorrow. Crime has rocketed and that scares people. I am all for looking after yourself. It is essential.
People have questioned why I go to extremes when safety’s involved. In my opinion you only get one life and I wasn’t prepared to put that in danger. My condition put me in danger enough let alone having to worry about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. My family have always been strict when safety’s involved. If you are on your own get a taxi or phone for a lift. You can’t put a price on your life.
Since the seizures came back old habits died hard.
Although I was extremely happy in my new relationship I always made sure that I followed a specific regime before I went out. Around the time the seizures returned I watched a documentary about an increase in muggings within the UK where vulnerable young women were targeted particularly when travelling on their own. As I wasn’t allowed to drive I had to rely on public transport as a means of getting by. I therefore ensured that my handbag consisted of:
The usual womanly things… Lipstick, mirror, mints and my seizure diary incase I needed to jot something down on the spot. I did however make sure that I never had more than £20 in my purse, a couple of debit cards, my inhalers and mobile phone just incase something did happen.
To this day whatever bag I am using the items above will be in it without fail. Going on a night out around town is a nightmare as I can never find a bag big enough to hold these items. Trust me I have tried everywhere.
I had a seizure once when I was on my own. I was on a bus to be precise travelling to work. I checked my bag religiously following that incident and although nothing was taken I was convinced that someone could have and that made me paranoid everytime I travelled.
Like everyone who grows up in this technological world we live in will know that the majority of people have mobile phones. Probably about 70% of teenagers/young adults have their mobile glued to their hand for about 15 hours a day and I was no exception. I had got into the habit of my last five numbers being my husbands mobile, my mam, my dad, my grandmother and my home telephone number should I ever have the misfortune of fitting in front of someone I didn’t know.
In my last post I explained what having a seizure was like in front of your work colleagues and the effect it can have on you when you are left in the position of justifying to people what they just saw. You yourself can’t really grasp why you convulse. You know what a seizure is however some don’t have the answers to give their others. A seizure comes when it wants and that’s all you can say however on the subject of having a relationship when you have a condition then that’s an entirely different story altogether.
Relationships are a tricky business when you are growing up. They are hard to understand for the best of people. When you go out on a date what are the first things you think of?
What do I wear? Where are they going to take me? Am I going to enjoy myself? Could they be the one?
For someone with a medical condition you get into the routine (unless you are confident enough) of watching what you say to one another about the condition. In my husbands case I think he was unsure what to say to me incase he offended me.
I had lived with this condition for long enough and although it has caused me undue stress the thought of people making fun at me doesn’t upset me anymore. In fact I make have on occasion took the piss out of myself and they have stood there dumbounded with nothing to say. I will discuss bullying shortly as that’s another topic that annoys me and is definitely uncalled for.
I was in a new relationship and I was the happiest I had ever been.
In all new relationships you are finding your feet with one another. If I was to describe my relationship with my husband I would say that it was a whirlwind from the moment we got together. I was fortunate that we were friends first and that we knew a considerable amount about one another before taking it to the next level.
Our feet never touched the ground and I was eager to see how our relationship would unfold.
Was it destined to be a failure? How could I incorporate my condition into my relationship? Can it physically be done?
My seizures were averaging once every 2 months and my shakes every other day however I made a promise to my neurologist to stick to the new medication dosage and that’s just what I did. My husband had seen the shakes however had never seen a seizure before.
Within 4 months we had been on a weekend away together, bought our first house and were engaged. For anyone who doesn’t have epilepsy it is an experience and a half doing those things after years of being with one another let alone four months in. For someone who has a condition it’s an even rockier ride. Your partner is the person in sickness (literally) and in health who you have to put your trust in and who are going to be responsible for your welfare for the rest of your life.
To say that now is something I am proud to say.
With me I was afraid that I would let my husband down and that because I had no control over when my seizures came that it would scare him to the point of no return. It felt like my condition was the third person in our relationship. Usually people worry about other women, financial problems etc however I wasn’t worried about other women or coming second fiddle to a football game I was more concerned that my condition would dominate our relationship and prevent us from having a normal life.
The documents were drafted and we were moving forward at a record speed. I couldn’t contain my excitement. To get those keys would bring joy, happiness and a new chapter in my life that I always dreamt of. I thought at the time that if I could have that stability in my life then I would never fear rejection again as I had everything I could possibly want.
The day came when we officially signed the deeds to our new home. It was that day when our lives would literally change and my husband would see a new side to the woman he loved..