Negativity + Diary = Hope.

Today I read the following quote and was enlightened by what I read.

“Life is a reflection of what you think, if your thoughts are filled with negativity then the world you see will be the same”

Negativity is an aspect of my life that I have tried so hard to run away from. I think I had attempted to train my brain so much with this “positive thinking” that I had actually worn myself out. No wonder I was tired all the time.

What I have realised is that coming face to face with my worries is something that has actually helped me not scared me. I have also realised that you are allowed to have some negative processes in your mind and that that is entirely normal.

What I had established at this point of my life was that the difference between me and everyone else was that my anxiety was outside of the norm. It had escalated so much that at times I didn’t know who I was and constantly felt under pressure. To this day I can’t explain what that pressure was. It was just there.

I personally find that Epilepsy is a condition that people are quite reluctant to talk about, they think all we do is have a seizure and that’s it. They don’t see what happens behind the scenes i.e. the medication taking, the counselling, the insecurity and the negativity that Epilepsy can bring. Whether this is due to lack of understanding or a painful experience they’ve had surrounding Epilepsy it is a condition I feel on occasion is brushed under the carpet. Awareness should be raised when Epilepsy is involved as it affects so many lives.

I appreciate a great number of people find it extremely uncomfortable when someone is convulsing however we need help from time to time like everyone else. We didn’t ask for this condition, it just arrived. In my eyes it literally just came from nowhere.

Since making the decision to write this blog I have had the opportunity to speak to a few of you who either have/or know someone with this condition and I can sympathise with you all. Everyone is different and handles their business in their own way however when it comes to this condition we are all on the same wave length. We all wish to raise awareness of Epilepsy and that is phenomenal. Thanks to support groups, loved ones and social networking we now have a place where our feelings are known.

Moving swiftly on..

I know in myself that when I was younger that I couldn’t quite grasp how someone all of a sudden would appear perfectly fine one minute then all of a sudden their demeanour changes, they fit and they’re a former shadow of themselves all within a five minute timeframe.

When you’ve had that first snippet of what Epilepsy can turn into it eventually dawns on you that it‘s showed it’s face and wishes to make your acquaintance.

For that five minute slot something else is taking over and you can’t sit it down and tell it not to.

Ever since I was diagnosed I have constantly questioned my personality after the first seizures happened. It had got to the point where I was so judgemental towards myself that I lost all vision as to who I wanted to be. I was fragile and at times lost.

At times I was very hard on myself always wanting more. You don’t realise that you have everything you need staring back at you until someone outside of your circle points that out to you.

I had a family who loved me, friends who were there for me, the debt was cleared, I had a decent job and I was seizure free for the time being. I was allowed to live my life the way I wanted however something was preventing me from living it to the fullest.

The shakes were averaging every other day and I maintained the level of medication I was on.

I had discussed with my parents whether I would be in a position to request this dosage either be reduced or for me to be trialled on something else. We all drew the conclusion not to make any rash decisions without consulting neurology first.

As mentioned previously I started to write a diary. This diary was not your usual seizure blog but one that would analyse my entire thought pattern. I have to admit that I found this beneficial and would highly recommend that if you have the time to do one then please do it.

So off I toddled to a local newsagent and purchased a bog standard diary for about £3. I ensured that it was one that had enough space to list my concerns and draft my thoughts.

Of course this diary would monitor my shakes/seizures however I also thought it would be a good idea to monitor what my emotions were. I would usually ask myself:

• Had I taken my medication correctly and on time?
• Did anything upset me that day?
• Did I have a hard day at work that would result in me getting stressed/tired?
• Had I had enough sleep?
• Had I eaten sufficient that day?

All these questions I asked myself were recorded daily for six months.

I thought by creating this diary this would not only give me doctor an insight as to what I was thinking and to get an indicator as to what my insecurities were and whether these concerns had an detrimental effect to my shaky bouts.

So I did just that.

It was then that contact was made with my GP and discussed everything that I have documented to you all in this blog. I explained the shakes to him and expressed my worries surrounding the capability of my neurologist. It was only then that my GP recommend that we see another consultant (if another consultant was available of course) to take me on and that we find additional help by means of a therapist. I would be put on a waiting list and would be seen ASAP.

The day I made that appointment was without doubt one of the happiest days of my life. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was happy.

I was finally being listened to… It was about bloody time.

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