I had reached a milestone birthday, I was working full time trying my best to generate an income and I was pissed off at my neurologist for not giving a damn about my wellbeing.
Let’s just say I wasn’t a very happy bunny.
If anything I didn’t want to step into a doctor’s surgery again out of fear I would say something I would regret later. Over and over again the words kept swimming round in my head “Do you like being epileptic?” and it angered me. I think I got the runt of the litter with this neurologist.
What I have identified over the past twenty years is that unfortunately some questions cannot be answered they are just there.
The cards you get dealt aren’t necessarily your fault, it’s your attitude towards those cards that define you. Whether it be epilepsy/anxiety/doubt/worry you have to attempt to face it head on. That’s the philosophy I follow. Unfortunately when it came to the seizures I had literally no control.
On occasion I felt that my life was on hold however after many a discussion with my loved ones I have tried my very best to progress the way that I was taught and to now allow my worrying to take centre stage.
Everyone I talk to voices their opinion on life. Many have used the caption “Your life is already mapped out for you” and “Whatever will be will be”. Although I partially agree with each quote I truly believe that your life is like a book in which you’re the author.
You have a blank canvas in which mistakes are made and achievements gained. It’s you who decides what chapters you have in your book. Unfortunately some chapters are out of your control however the majority of it is. A book would be boring if it was plain sailing right?
Prior to the neurology appointment a seizure happened at work in which I fell from the top floor steps down to the middle floor. I managed to walk away relatively unharmed with a bad back and the usual symptoms. When I was younger I always wanted to be like a superhero however in this particular case I took my seizure to new extremes. Fortunately my friends and a first aider was present otherwise it could have been a different story altogether.
There we were again. Parents called for and me having at least two days bedrest, eating like a horse and watching my entire sex and the city boxset. Bliss you may say? Not really. All I wanted to do was return back to normality with no bruises or tiredness.
Before long the neurologist appointment arrived. I was nervous. My hands were sweating and I was running to the toilet every five minutes. I walked into the room head held high with my seizure pattern underneath my arm hoping he would shine some light on this madness.
Below is a detailed account of our appointment, from what I remember it only lasted eight minutes. The sentences were the ones that stuck out the most.
“Hello there, nice to see you. Are you well? How have your seizures been?”
“Not too bad. I have had one since my last visit. Apart from the seizure (I explained what had happened) I’ve been ok. The shakes however are not so, they have increased and I really don’t know how to approach them”
“So what medication are you on then?”
“Keppra”. I went on to explain the dosage and the times of day this was taken.
“Right ok, you say you are shaking? What are these shakes? If you wouldn’t mind can you please Show me how you shake”
What does this guy mean show me how you shake. I couldn’t show him how I shook unless I was in one. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The discussion continued:
“Well doctor they come when they like. I can’t exactly show you how they shake. My body tenses up. The less severe ones are more like a tremble. The more severe they are the worse the shaking is”
“Can I ask you if you have a mobile phone?”
“Does your mobile phone have a video device on it where you can actually record videos from your phone?”
“I would strongly advise if possible that should another shaking episode occur that you ask your family/friends/colleagues who are available with you at the time to video this episode so I can get a clear indicator as to what these are and what you are experiencing”
“Errr ok. I will see if I am allowed to use my phone at work”
“Great, well take this slip hand it in at the front desk and I will see you in six months time, thank you”
I walked out of the room and swear that I stood there dumb founded. I was shocked by what I had just heard. I sat down with a strong coffee and stared at the wall. I couldn’t believe what had just happened.
Did my neurologist just ask me to get my loved ones to take a video while I was shaking? Is this bloke having a laugh? Does he really think that my family/friends/colleagues first reaction would be to reach for my mobile phone, point it in front of me shaking and ask a variety of questions as to how I was feeling? Of course they bloody wouldn’t. They would be worried at the fact that someone they knew was unwell.
The profanities started coming out of my mouth. I walked out of the hospital enraged. I thought to myself that I was giving this man all my symptoms on a silver platter and this person wasn’t prepared to help me. He got paid god knows how much to help his patients and he didn’t give a damn. Three words to describe my neurologist after that session “A FUCKING ARSEHOLE”.
That man didn’t deserve his salary. In fact I would have appreciated it if he came out and said he didn’t know what I had. I was fuming.
To hell with him. If anyone was going to find out what was the matter with me then it was going to be me.