If we are going to do this we better do it properly..

“Leaders think and talk about the solutions. Followers think and talk about the problems”- Brian Tracy.

This statement can be perceived as being false however in my situation I can associate with both of them. Deep down I wanted to lead however during my time at University I was so used to following that I lost all sense of reality.

When it comes to tackling insecurities what should you do to get yourself on the right path? Should you stare an insecurity in the face what is the worst that can happen? You will fall on your face perhaps. What if you don’t fall on your face? What if people look at your insecurity and realise that you have more in common than you think? There is the possibility that that will happen but who cares about what people think? I will still have my moments but I’d like to think I am not as bad as I once was.

I thought those very feelings for a vast amount of time however now I don’t care as much as I did at that stage of my life. I was young, naive and allowed people to take advantage of me. In my late teens/early twenties the what if’s took over the I can’s and it was a bitter pill to swallow.

If I could give one piece of advice I would say if you are going to change do it for you. Don’t do it because someone tells you. Do it because you want to.

After reading numerous forums about insecurities/anxiety I noticed the same statements would crop up such as “I did this because my partner wanted me to” or ” I just wanted to keep the peace”. I thought the very same thing when I was younger but that has changed now. I have slowly accepted that you have to be caring about the ones you love but carefree about everything else as they don’t even come close.

Your health and your immediate family should always take priority. Rest assured the more you “keep the peace” and silence your thoughts the more you get into the habit of worrying about others and prioritising them before yourself. You beat yourself up more by keeping your mouth shut than by voicing your opinion.

Moving swiftly on.

The seizures were more frequent and all I felt like doing was sleeping. Convulsions were easier to cope with now than when I was younger as I knew exactly what was coming. The aftermath is harder for me than the seizure itself. This is down to the fact that I am oblivious to having one when they do occur. When I awake the following would have happened;

*Bruises would have come from nowhere
*The occasional vomiting would take place in which I would shortly run to the fridge wanting to raid the entire contents of it
*Tiredness
*A swollen tongue
*A migraine that felt like it would never go away
* A teary nature in you apologising for upsetting the people who had to witness the event

What I have identified to be the hardest of all is was that I could control every aspect of my life however this is the one thing I couldn’t and it angered me immensely.

Trying to explain to family was hard as I would break down every single time I would utter the word worry. The elder generation of my family were convinced that I didn’t actually have epilepsy as I was having fits however not as many as most. Ten in an eighteen month period was a lot for me. To this day it still knocks the wind out of your sails.

On occasions part of me agreed with my family. It was only when I returned to the neurologist that my optimism had ran away with me because the epilepsy had never actually gone anywhere. It was like a volcano it remained dormant for a while. Like a pressure cooker there’s only so much it can take before it explodes and then shuts down.

When I was initally diagnosed I was told that the seizures may return as recent studies revealed that epilepsy returned every 7 years. It was known as a “growing thing” a bit like growing pains. This coincidentally would roughly fall in line with my very first mishap.

I returned to the neurologist and remember it like it was yesterday.

The neurologist sat me down pen in toe and asked an erray of questions ranging from past events to more recent behaviours. After careful deliberation my neurologist thought it would be best to start me off on a new type of medication. This medication is what I am currently on and it has been a rollercoaster to say the least however I have continued to percevere and have included it into my routine. Like all medications it’s trial and error. I was told what side effects the medication would bring. Effects such as migraines, sickness and shaking would be a couple to name a few.

The neurologist came across as a generous and approachable man however he could see that I was apprehensive and did his utmost to calm me down. I will always remember the moment in which he would look me in the eyes and run through my diagnosis in an orderly fashion. He made me aware that I could have a long road ahead of me however I didn’t care. This time I believed my neurologist as he cut the bullshit and focused on my current symptoms. Unlike when I was diagnosed I finally got the explanation that I deserved, I trusted this doctor and the fear had miaculously went away.

I walked away from that appointment content and with a six month prescription in my hand. I would be lying to say that I wasn’t nervous from the ofset however I knew that if I wanted to move forward with my life that I would at least have to give this medication a go. Now I was being listened to by someone in the medical profession who actually gave a damn. The way the NHS was going in the early noughties was a disgrace. There wasn’t and still isn’t enough resources to cope with the entire population and I was scared that I wouldn’t get the support I needed should the worst happen.

That very evening I took my medication, gulped down two large tablets with a glass of water and hoped for the best. This was the first time in a long time that I knew I was on the up. Now all I needed to do was to get a job and live my life the way I should have done from the get go. If I was going to do this I was going to do it properly. I best turn that frown upside down 🙂

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