What shall I do?
Those words sprialled round in my head continuously for two months following the fire alarm seizure. I was petrified they would come back like before and it got to the point where I was no longer interested in the degree I was enrolled to do for three years. All I wanted to do was earn money and spend it. It burned a hole in my pocket and to top it all off the debt was starting to get out of control.
Come to think of it sitting in a room with a mountain of books isn’t for me. I lose concentration easily and I have to actually be interested in something if I want to learn about it. My fellow students were the complete opposite. Their heads were down and they were focused on the task ahead. Me I was interested in getting well and staying strong. On top of that I wanted to make that extra cash. The only way I was going to achieve this was by getting a few extra sales so I could put savings away towards my future. Was I thinking this way to take my mind off my condition? Possibly.
To this day I think university still wouldn’t excite me. Should someone ask me this in ten years time I may give them a different answer. University takes patience and a great deal of time and effort. Me I was just scared of not succeeding.
The strain I was putting myself under was beyond belief and I was sinking fast. All I could think was that the seizures would return with a vengence and I would be on my own. What would happen one day if I had a seizure and I never woke up. I had never had a fit on my own, that was alien to me.
I needed help and the only people I could turn to for help was my family. I had tried for two months to cope on my own putting on a brave face to all involved. My worry whilst making the decision to travel home was that I would have not strived for my childhood goals and that once again the epilepsy would win.
Looking back I’ve realised that it takes more of a person to ask for help than to cope on your own. I think it’s an acalade to be independent and determined however everyone needs help at some stage of their life and it shouldn’t be frowned upon by anyone.
My family repeatedly told me that it showed more courage walking away from something I was never interested in than to continue participating and not being truly happy in the process. I wasn’t prepared to put my family in debt for something I thought I wanted. It took a long time for me to accept that my family are proud of me regardless. I should have known from the start as that has always been the case.
Thoughout my life I thought getting a degree would be the be all and end all. It really isn’t. It’s an achievement but there’s more to life than letters after your name and getting that high power job. It’s about what makes you happy.
I was convinced that the seizures retuning may have been a sign. Maybe they were telling me that university wasn’t for me and that I was destined for something new at home. So I followed my gut and did just that.
I packed my belongings, said goodbye to friends and work colleagues and returned home to the life I had left only this time I wouldn’t just come home to a cuddle and a few wise words from the ones I loved. This time I would have to face the worry of arranging an appointment to see the neurologist again and go through the stressful proceedure of trying various medications to determine what one would be the best for me. The difference between then and now would be that I was ten years older and understood fully what my condition was.
The relief was overwhelming when I returned home. The only downside was that I felt a failure. For years I had convinced myself that I was going to get the degree my parents never got and that I was going to do what all people aspire to want for themselves.
I wanted to be successful, comfortable and have a stable life. All I needed now was to face up to this insecurity and tackle it head on. So I decided that I was going to do it differently I wanted a new job and I wanted to be proud of myself again whether the seizures continued or not. Before I could face looking for work I had to face the neurologist first..