I have to see this through..

The way I see it if you want the rainbow you’ve gotta put up with the rain.- Dolly Parton.

Nowadays I ask myself the very question. If the garden was always rosy then there would be nothing to strive for, no goals to achieve. It’s right in what people say you have to take the rough with the smooth, it’s only then that you truly appreciate what you have.

One month into my university stint and I was laughing on the outside but doubtful on the inside.

I had a part time job, was attending the “majority” of my lectures and was now in about £1000 worth of debt. Apart from the debt aspect of it I was convincing myself that everything was as it should be. I adored my job as I was working part time in a beauty shop selling all I could to the British public. It would be safe to say that I enjoyed it more than the actual degree itself.

As mentioned in my last post the inevitable happened. The seizures returned and it wasn’t pretty in fact it was rather embarrassing when they did come back.

The night the seizures recommenced was at 3am one Friday morning. The entire dormitory was summoned to stand outside as the fire alarm had gone off due to some drunken halfwit setting the toaster alight.

All I remember from that incident was that I ran outside in my pyjamas and dressing gown. The other items I chose to pick up was my key, purse and of course my mobile phone (as you do). The next minute I was lying in bed with all my friends telling me that I was lifted on a stretcher by a paramedic, turned upright with straps holding me together and some sort of blanket over my upper face that resembled a mask.

“No word of a lie you looked like Hannibel Lecter, god are you ok? We didnt know what to do so we called for an ambulance. We called home and your parents are on their way” my friend shouted. Bless her I got the impression she thought that I had lost my hearing while convulsing. I had to explain to her that I had only lapsed for about five minutes and assured her that I would be fine.

I didn’t know what to digest first the fact that my entire body was bruised from me hitting the floor fitting or the fact I made a complete arse of myself having a seizure in front of the entire student dormatory before being carted off like fucking Hannibel Lecter. I was mortified. Thank god none of my friends didn’t capture that on camera. What a sight! For those who have never been fortunate enough to see the 90’s classic Silence of the Lambs Hannibel Lecter was a cannibal held in prison for eating numerous human body parts. Brilliant eh? I was associated with that for all of 5 minutes!!

Before long the parents arrived and I felt safe. Safe and happy that they were here. I felt horrendously bad. My family had come all this way, I had upset my friends and all because of this damn condition.
How many more people would I upset? As what happened in all seizures I would cry and try to piece together the time I had lost where I couldn’t remember anything.

All of my seizures consist of remembering the last thing before you fit and the first thing when you regain some normality. After every one you keep on thinking to yourself did I get a trigger this time? What had I eaten? Was I stressed about anything that would force these to come back? It didn’t matter how much I would analyse the situation, I wasn’t satisfied. The answers weren’t there and I was frustrated.

My parents were concerned about me throughout my time at university. Everytime I was feeling a little low they would utter the same words ” Well you can always come home if you want”. I think the seizure was the icing on the cake for them. They wanted to do what parents do comfort their child and ensure them that it’s not all bad.

I was adament I was going to stay so I told them that I wanted them to return back home and I’d be in contact soon. Irrespective of them returning I was going to continue as normal. And so I did.. for now.


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