On a daily basis the words “Bring on the new me” would come rushing into my head.
It’s a bit like every Monday morning when you promise you are gonna eat healthily but you still manage to convince yourself that eating that little bit of chocolate won’t effect the diet. Deep down you know that once you start eating unhealthily that’s it till the following Monday. If you are going to do it do it properly. Take small steps and see what the outcome is. If you want something bad enough you can (within reason) make it happen.
I wanted to change; I wanted to make it happen. I wanted to be the person I was before the seizures arrived. I was sixteen years of age and I felt that I hadn’t lived my life to the fullest as I was hiding behind my condition. I was raring to go. The seizures had disappeared two years previous as had the medication and I wanted to focus my life on something other than worry.
I was never academically bright however managed to walk away from my GCSE’s unscathed to get into college where I channeled my love of drama into everyone else’s lives. I got by and that was enough for me. My family were extremely proud. If they were happy with my accomplishments then I had to be.
There’s always been a part of me eager to throw myself into a new challenge however the other side of me had the worry that I would never succeed. Concerns would arise the more apparent being the failure to succeed the other being the worry of taking unwell when I was at my strongest. Why do people feel this way? In my situation was this my new way of thinking? It has only been until relatively recently that I have managed to programme my mind differently and to realise that you can only try your best. If it isn’t good enough then you have given it a damn good go. If you haven’t then the only person you are letting down is yourself.
Before I knew it I was en route to University. Like all students I was absolutely shitting myself at the idea that I was going to be alone,meeting new friends and living a completely different life. New city new me perhaps?
Settling in was easy and meeting new friends wasn’t as hard as I thought. In fact the girls I did meet were extremely nice. We had one hell of a time enjoying ourselves as teenagers did. The only difference being is that I felt I was different. I wanted to have the care free lifestyle my friends gave the impression they had. In my eyes something was holding me back.
Had my epilepsy done this to me? What was stopping me? Why do I give a shit about this. It’s gone. I’ve grown out of it. So why am I bothered?
One morning I woke up and thought Fuck it I am going shopping, and by gosh I did.
In times of worry your mind can play dreadful tricks on you. You will do absolutely anything to take your mind off it. So there I was standing in the middle of the city centre had just blown £500 on a credit card and was carrying so many bags that my arms were red raw.
What the hell did I do that for? To have a little bit of short term happiness. I had convinced myself that if I was gonna change and was going to do it correctly then I had to look the part, hence the new clothes.
Shortly after I uttered these very words something from my past would rear it’s ugly head..