Times were changing. Apart from buying an outfit or going out on a family outing things were pretty crap behind closed doors. I was doing well at school however never felt complete as I was worrying twenty four seven.
Can you imagine worrying twenty four seven about absolutely nothing? Looking back it makes me wonder why I got myself so upset for so long? Looking back I think worry is worse than epilepsy. With epilepsy you have no control but with worry you have. It’s your choice.
My fear was was that I was turning into my condition and had lost my entire identity. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. Who was I? I was this bubbly girl who whined every now and again but what was I becoming?
To this day I constantly ask the question; why are people so critical with themselves? Why can’t we just accept that some questions cannot be answered they are just there. My heart goes out to so many people who feel that they are not good enough. There are so many different people out there. Nobody’s perfect. Rest assured that’s true.
My parents tried their best to understand but they couldn’t experience what I was going through.
The slight glimpse of positively turned to negativeity. To everyone else I acted normal but to myself I turned into a completely different person. On occasions I would be so insecure that I didn’t know how to handle situations properly and when I failed to make the right decision I blamed my epilepsy for putting me in those positions. Instead it wasn’t the condition it was the way I handled having it was the problem.
I hit my teenage years, I had the usual ups and downs however never fully embraced the positive aspects of my life. I got angry very easily and didn’t appreciate the times when I was seizure free. To my parents I would smile everytime they would talk about the fits not being as frequent and always hoped that they would miraculously disappear. Specialist appointments diminished slightly and I had more time to think. On the outside I was overjoyed on the inside not so much. In my eyes I turned into this worrier because of my condition and I didn’t like it.
Four years had passed and I became seizure free.
My medication had reduced drastically and I was feeling normal. The condition was on my mind constantly from the moment I woke up from the last thought before I went to bed. It was exhausting, however I knew there must have been something I was doing right to go so long without a seizure.
What was happening? Was I cured? If I was cured how the hell am I gonna tackle this worry? When is the real me coming back?